The Saints - Dat's Who

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News

Through the first 13 games of the 2009 NFL season, the New Orleans Saints looked unstoppable. They were 13-0, Drew Brees was leading the charge and their defense stepped up in crucial situations time and time again.

And then, for reasons unknown, everyone forgot about them.

Following their loss against the Cowboys on Dec. 19, everyone just dismissed the Saints. I’ll never understand it – I still don’t – but they became an afterthought.

Sure they dropped their last three games of the regular season; but the first two were only by a combined 10 points, one was in overtime, they were all banged up and as a team had nothing left to play for.

But yet, people dismissed them.

Even when the playoffs rolled around, some thought the Cardinals might upstage New Orleans in the Divisional Round. The Saints dismantled Arizona 45-14.

Then people said that the Vikings would expose them with their front four from hell and their late-minute clutch quarterback. Well, those late minutes rolled around and the clock struck midnight for Favre and his band of merry gentlemen.

When the final whistle blew, it was the Saints who marched on.

And then, as they prepared to take on Peyton Manning and the Colts, it was dubbed a David-Goliath matchup and a Manning-Legacy shoe-in. Why? Why.

This was a team that was 13-0 at one point. 13-0. And all of a sudden, they had no shot. Crazy thing, sports. Isn’t it?

Anchors on Sports Center said the Saints didn’t stand a chance, writers for ESPN.com wrote New Orleans would get carved up by Peyton and bloggers all over the world wrote that Brees and his men would get blown out by Indianapolis.

Yet, for some reason, New Orleans suited up anyway. Strange, considering that they had no chance at winning.

But they showed up Sunday night regardless.

And that's because they had arguably the best quarterback in the NFL and they knew it, one of the most dangerous defenses in the league and they knew it and a coach that makes Jack Bauer look like a sissy – and he knew it.

But for some reason, everyone else forgot about all that. Shame.

No matter - on Sunday night, the Saints gave everyone a rude reminder. And now, they won’t be forgotten for a very long time, you can believe that.

Saints 31, Colts 17

The score suggests the Saints won by 14 points. But Up until Manning’s crucial game-deciding interception, this Super Bowl was just a one-possession game, and it seemed as if it was destined to be a tie one before long. Hell, if it weren’t for Roger Goodell’s overtime rule, we might even still be watching the damn thing.

But that’s when Tracy Porter did what he does best – make things happen.

The rest of the Saints meanwhile, had been doing that all game.

They fought like dogs for the football under that onside-kick-induced pile. Drew Brees engineered a poetic go-ahead drive. And that fantastic Colts defensive front four? They couldn’t buy an inch from the Saints O-line all game long, recording just one sack through 60-minutes of football - the only time all game anybody on the Colts’ defense laid a hand on Drew Brees.

Meanwhile, the Colts made uncharacteristic mistakes: Garcon and Wayne dropped crucial passes, Manning called a timeout that crippled the Colts’ final drive and Jim Caldwell drew up a fabulous offensive game-plan that netted Indianapolis 17 whole points.

As a result, one man forever etched his name in football immortality - and his name wasn't Peyton Manning.

Player of the Game:

It was Drew Brees.

Often times in sports, a story comes along that captivates a city. Sometimes even, it’s so perfect that it lifts an entire nation.

And every so often, one rolls around that would make Walt Disney himself weep. Michael Oehr did it. The 1980 U.S. Hockey Team did it. And now Drew Brees has done it.

Because on Sunday night, the young man from Dallas, Texas finally came full circle, hoisting the Lombardi Trophy high above his head amidst a shower of confetti, lifting with it from the ashes the entire city of New Orleans.

But for him, it was simply the returning of a favor - a favor that had been so graciously granted to him four long years back, by the same city that now sat on his shoulders in celebration.

Drafted in 2001, Brees established his name with an illustrious career at Purdue University. But in the NFL, his legacy was that of a six-foot-nothing quarterback who was labeled a castaway in San Diego, a throwaway in Miami and mercilessly stuffed behind the likes of Doug Flutie, Philip Rivers and Daunte Culpepper.

Enter, the city of New Orleans.

Thanks to the city that embodies himself in every possible way, four years after being left for dead, Drew Brees - once a football leper - has one more label attached to his name: Champion.

Not even Stephen Spielberg himself could have written a better script. It was the marriage of two broken identities, which like missing pieces to a puzzle together formed a final product, one so fluid and so passionate that it made the Sistine Chapel look like a coloring book.

And while the talk all week long was of Peyton Manning and his football legacy, the story at the end of the game was of an entirely different legacy – that of the birth marked quarterback lined up on the other side of the ball.

And it’s a legacy now that to a city of 336,000 can never be broken.

Because for all the touchdowns that Peyton Manning may ever throw in his lifetime, he will never accomplish what Drew Brees did on Sunday night.

Because on Sunday night, thanks to the kid from Dallas, football became more than just a game. On Sunday night, Drew Brees himself became more than just an athlete.

And on Sunday night, New Orleans became a city once again.

Player of the Game that Wasn’t Drew Brees:

Sean Payton.

This guy deserves all the recognition in the world. Because in a game where nearly every single statistic mirrored from one team to the next, the Saints had a distinct advantage in one category – coaching.

On Sunday night, Payton made all the right moves. He drew up a game plan that absolutely shut down the Colts offense. He went for it on fourth-and-two. The man even onside kicked it - in the Super Bowl. Think about that for a second. Like, who does that?

Sean Payton, that’s who.

And for his efforts, it will go down as the single most psychotic and unrealistically important play call in the last 50-years. In a world where Bill Belichick was crucified for a fourth down call in a regular season game, Payton had the balls to run a play that succeeds maybe one in every fifty tries on the biggest stage in the NFL.

And it worked. Why?

Because on this night, the Saints would not be denied - by anything.

Goat of the Game:

Hank Baskett. For the exact reason that Sean Payton was the king of it: the onside kick.

I realize he probably didn’t expect it – none of us did. But he’s a professional athlete, and he’s in that position for a reason. Not only that, but the kick wasn’t even that good – it was kicked directly at him and not low enough. There was no bounce, no deflection, but Baskett let it slip right by him like a salmon.

And for that, he will forever be remembered with the likes of Bartman, Buckner and Norwood.

Okay, maybe not that bad. But seriously, the onside kick is probably the most lopsided plays in the book – all of the odds were in Hank’s favor. And on football’s biggest stage, how do you screw that up?

I guess in the end, it’s not all bad for Mr. Baskett. Guy gets to go home to his wife Kendra Wilkinson - Playboy Model - after flubbing the onside kick. You know what they say: you win some, you lose some…

Possible Goat Had the Saints Lost:

Marques Colston.

Yes he led the Saints in receptions and yards. But he also led them with footballs to the dome.

Midway through the first quarter, with the Saints needing a score, Brees threaded a beautiful pass to a wide open Marques Colston. Only, instead of hauling it in with his hands, Colston tried to haul it in with his face, a meathod that didn’t exactly work out.

In a moment straight out of ‘Leave it to Beaver,’ the pigskin doinked off Colston’s face, and fell to the ground. Very next play, similar problem – clunk, right off Colston’s fingertips.

That onside kick saved his life. Because had the Saints gone on to lose, Colston’s drops would have been labled key momentum stallers for an offense that was desperate for a spark.

Hank Baskett better get a thank you letter.

Key Play:

Obviously the onside kick. There’s really no question here. It completely changed the momentum of the game, and while it in no way guaranteed a Saints victory, it sure as hell helped.

It was a ballsy call, yes. But it wasn’t ballsy to the point of stupidity. Through the first half, it was clear that the Saints needed a spark. Whether that would be through a Reggie Bush return, a Drew Brees completion or a Darren Sharper sack, we never got to find out. Why?

Because Sean Payton took matters into his own hands, and gave his team a kick in the ass himself.

It was a play he was so certain would work, he ran it in the Super Bowl following weeks of practice. I’ll never understand what he saw in that play – or why it would work against the Colts. Granted, we know Hank Baskett slipped it up, but what are the chances of that happening?

Not very good. But still, the guy ran then play, and by god it worked.

And again, while it didn’t guarantee a Saints win, if New Orleans doesn’t recover it, you can bet your ass it all but wraps it up for the Colts. Talk about a game-changer.

It Could Have Been Different If…

Peyton Manning didn’t throw that interception.

Had he not led Reggie Wayne right into Tracy Porter, the Colts may have been able to drive down and tie this thing up.

But instead, Peyton all but iced the game when he threw a pass that appeared if it was intended for Porter rather than Wayne. The Saint's cornerback then took it 74-yards for the score, taking Manning’s 'Quarterbacking Jesus’ legacy with him.

Nobody will ever know whose fault it was. It was a quick-read off a blitz, and it remains a mystery as to whether Reggie Wayne ran the wrong route, didn’t run the right route fast enough, or, god-forbid, Peyton Manning let go of an errant throw.

Either way, if Peyton Manning doesn’t throw that pick, lord knows how this one ends up.

It Was Over When…

Manning called the first of Indy’s three remaining time-outs in the fourth quarter. Because, believe it or not, the Colts still had a very good chance at pulling this one out towards the end. Especially if number 18 was still their quarterback – which, last time I checked, he was.

But with 1:16 still remaining on the clock, Manning burned the first of his three time-outs on the Saints’ three-yard line, essentially mathematically eliminating the possibility of a Colts victory barring an onside kick.

Because as we already know, the possibility of one onside kick in a game is freakishly low. But two of them? Well, that would be downright insane. Even David Tyree can admit to that.

Had the Colts driven in and scored without burning any timeouts, say, punched it in with still a minute left, all they would have had to do was stop the Saints on three consecutive downs – something they had already done earlier in the game.

They then would have been able to call timeouts after every stop, possibly receiving the ball with about 40-45 seconds left on the clock, plenty for arguably the best quarterback in the nation to work some Super Bowl magic.

It was made a moot point after Wayne dropped the touchdown on fourth down, but even so, a bit shocking to see Manning break down like that in the final minute of play.

This Movie in a Youtube Video:

Snookie: Peyton Manning. That Dude’s Fist: Tracy Porter.

Talk about a knock out. And only in one shot! Come at me bro!

Surprise of the Night:

Peyton Manning’s apparent inability to call plays in the huddle. Seriously, there was one drive in the third quarter where I think he audibled every single play. He really has to work on that if he wants to become one of the NFL’s elite, or other teams will start to exploit it by screaming at the line of scrimmage and waving their hands so nobody can here him change the play.

Part of it is probably Jim Caldwell’s fault, because as Peyton most likely figured out halfway through the game, “34-X-Slants-Sunnyside-with-Bacon” is not an actual play, rather it’s one of the options on the Denny’s menu Caldwell was reading from the entire game.

Naturally, after hearing “45-Blue-Buttermilk-No-Syrup” for the seventh time in a row, Manning began to change the plays afterwards. But in Caldwell’s defense, can you really blame him? It was free Grand Slam day on Tuesday after all…

Most Memorable Performance:

Tracy Porter was good. Drew Brees was great. But let’s be serious. Jay-Z, Rhianna, and E.S. Posthumus. I mean, has there ever been a better pre-game performance in the world? Because if there was, I would love to see it.

Best Guest Appearance:

The Peyton Pout. It’s so back. And I so missed it over the past few years. Beautiful. It's sort of like that old girlfriend - you got sick of her after a while, so you broke it off. But then you see her again a few years later and you're like - damn, why'd i do that. She's smokin'.

Yeah. The Peyton pout is definitely that chick. Smokin'.

Most Painful Performance:

Dwight Freeny. You have to admire the effort. But in the end, it was just too much for him to handle. Watching him limp around in the third quarter, essentially as useless as Jim Caldwell, you just had to feel for the guy.

In other news – where the hell was Robert Mathis? He had both his ankles last time I checked. What’s his excuse?

This Game as a Song:

Probably Don’t Stop Believing by Journey. It’s heart-warming, catchy, and let’s face it, you’re going to be singing it for the next 40 years. And unlike Mambo Number 5, this baby isn’t ever going to get old.

I was going to say Macho Man by the Village People, just because it’s manly and awesome – but the second I pictured Peyton Manning in a headdress, I couldn’t take it seriously anymore. Plus, the thought of Drew Brees as a pretty-sure-he's-gay biker is damaging enough.

This Game as a Movie:

Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Honestly, this had to be it. Two epic forces – good and evil – in search of one thing: the Super Bowl Ring. It's perfect.

It’s full of epic battles, powerful opponents, and a tiny ugly Gollum guy who desperately wants a ring but never gets one (Tony Dungee.)

The Colts, for obvious reasons, are the evil, led by none other than the Witch King, Peyton Manning. Their expansive empire is watched over – and really, that’s all he does – by the great Eye of Jim Caldwell. Who honestly, does nothing but watch the entire three movies.

Meanwhile, the Saints are led by the mighty wizard himself, Sean Payton, and an assembly of courageous men - Aragorn (Brees), Legolas (Sharper) and Gimli (Shockey…alright cmon, they’re almost twins.) Those pesky hobbits can be the Saints running backs, because there are a lot of them, and while they’re important to the story, they’re really not that essential. But Marques Colston can be Frodo - because he drops the ring at the end. Butterfingers.

And just for fun, Brett Favre can be all the Ents. Because they’re old as hell.

In the only movie that had a battle epic enough, the two forces colliding full fledge in the palace of Minis-Tirith, also known as Dolphin Stadium. And while they waged war for hours with seemingly no end in sight, all the while it appeared the Colts had the edge. After all, no mortal man can kill the Witch King in all his glory.

Except if that mortal man is a chick. Enter, Tracy Porter, girly name and all. His interception outdid the magical quarterbacking evil, freeing the city of New Orleans from the tyranny of failure.

It was a beautiful ending to a beautiful story. And while it may not have been the most memorable football game of the past 25 years, it certainly carries the most weight.

What happened to the city of New Orleans all those years ago was simply tragic. But what happened to the city of New Orleans Sunday night will never be forgotten - by the players on the field, the city of New Orleans and everyone who watched.

They earned that win. The team and the city both. And it’s very rare in this day and age that you can say that.

Congratulations, New Orleans. You deserve it.

Sports Media: Reporting

by Jesse Liebman

Editorial. Photos by AP News

There is little doubt that yesterday's Celtics loss to the Orlando Magic was an abject failure in the eyes of many fans. And when those fans opened the newspaper this morning, more often than not, that sentiment was repeatedly beat into their heads.

It doesn't take an expert to tell you that Boston's basketball team has had its struggles this season, and yet it's how those struggles are conveyed to the reader that makes all the difference. Is the team's performance so poor that they're on the verge of their worst season since 1996-97? Or is this just a hiccup for a team of world-beaters that's going to rally from this loss on their way to the NBA championship?

Obviously I'm referring to two completely different extremes here. To be fair, the coverage of last night's game was fairly similar in their coverage; it's little nuances in style and substance that distinguishes one recap from its peers.

Of the three stories that I read that covered the Celtics' loss -- the Globe's Frank Dell'Apa, the Herald's Steve Bulpett and an Associated Press recap that was printed in USA Today -- I found myself questioning my already existing notions on what makes good sports reporting.

The story that ran in USA Today was presented as a game report in the simplest of terms; only this time it presented the events in the third quarter from the perspective of the Magic, and deservedly so, as they were the victors of this match. It doesn't get more basic than that. I seldom like reading sports content from the AP, if only because of the fact that the copy is often staid and unadventurous, and you don't get a sense a familiarity that you do with reporters assigned to a local beat. But there is nothing wrong with solid hard-news style reporting, and this piece fulfills that aspect.

All three stories made great use of statistics and of Celtics head coach Doc Rivers' "We were getting what we deserved," quote. But there's a major difference in how the rest of Rivers' post-game comments were ran in the Globe and Herald. I want to direct your attention to video of the Celtics coach following the loss:

Now I want to call your attention to how these comments were presented:

Globe: "I thought we played [very badly]. In the third quarter, I thought everything we did in the first half we decided not to do."

Herald: "I thought we played like crap in the third quarter. I thought everything we did in the first half we decided not to do"

There are two differences between the piece that Dell'Apa ran and the one written by Steve Bulpett. Granted, the first is simply a matter of reading Rivers' speech patterns correctly -- I think that Dell'Apa got this one right -- but that's not always an exact science. Still, it's something that reporters need to keep an ear out for.

What concerns me is the fact that the Globe edited Rivers' quote on how the Celtics played. It's my belief that the adjective he used to describe the situation is fine in a quote for a sports story; I think the public has come to the point that we've been desensitized to the word. While it seems innocuous, I do have to take issue with Dell'Apa's or the Globe's decision to censor the quote. I'm of the opinion that if the quote is too radical for the publication's taste, describe what was said rather than change it.

Bulpett's article normally would be fine, but at times he seems to be injecting his own personal -- and critical -- evaluation of the Celtics' performance. By the end of the story it's clear that Bulpett's stake in this piece is one of provocateur, and not a reporter, accusing the Celtics for being defensive in explaining the loss. Bulpett's tactics are not uncommon, but this abrasive style can cause issues of trust with team members.

Which brings me to Dell'Apa's piece. Of the three, I felt that this article was of the highest quality from a beat perspective. It clearly and concisely reports on the game while using descriptive language that isn't inserted for literary effect, i.e., "The sold-out TD Garden crowd seemed shocked by the Celtics’ comatose performance." Dell'Apa shines the spotlight on the visiting team too, but at the end of the day, he still knows who his audience is.

Degrees of Separation

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News

Sports journalism is all about separation.

Everybody can write a game recap; you throw in a catchy lead, a few statistics, a running theme, a nice closing graph – and voila.

But in this day and age, the rat race is all about presentation. When you write up your 500-600 words about the game, it has to be different and it has to be good. Above all else, you have to separate your article from the pack – because after all, the fact remains: anybody can write a game recap.

Some do it with their angle. Some do it with their style. And some do it with simply better writing skills.

For the Super Bowl, it’s an event that nearly every single sports fan in America watches. It’s the most viewed sporting event, the most cared about sporting event and a national spectacle – it’s a memory in the making.

And the same goes for sports writers.

Many of the most memorable articles following the big game are more features – centering on certain players, their stories and other various factoids about the game. But that doesn’t stop stock writers from doing their best to differentiate their simple game recaps from the rest of the sporting world.

This year, ESPN.com went with a logical spin. They lead off their article pointing at the improbability of the Saints win, stating that many football fans “lead with their head” in picking the Colts to win.

Perhaps its their national audience – they chose to address their piece to the better part of the sporting nation, the people that chose to follow the unbeatable Peyton Manning, the soon-to-be-anointed Quarterback Jesus.

NFL.com on the other hand chose to cater theirs to the Who Dat Nation, writing theirs almost specifically to those fans who cheered on the black and gold on Sunday Night. Their piece opens with, “The ultimate underdogs. Not anymore.”

It’s a piece that tugs at the heart strings of the Saints fans, something that has itself written its own Super Bowl story, telling the tortured city of New Orleans to “put away the paper bags forever.”

And finally, Boston.com, for obvious locality reasons, chose to attack Peyton Manning. Why?

Most of Patriot nation chose to cheer on the Saints for one reason and one reason only – their hatred of the chosen one. And what better way to get them to read?

“The coronation of Peyton Manning was canceled last night at exactly 9:29.”

Being a Patriot fan and a staunch Manning hater, that phrase rings wonders in my head. Globe writer Adam Kilgore did a tremendous job with his story, speaking of Manning and only Manning for the first two paragraphs, holding no punches about number 18’s legacy, his opportunity, and his failures.

It’s everything a Patriot fan would love to hear. And they voiced it too – commenting on the piece 84 times, being the only article to allow user-posted content.

It’s tough to choose a best here, as all three have their undeniable strengths and weaknesses. ESPN.com’s article is a clear shotgun approach, choosing the widest ranged theme, attempting to reel in the better half of sports fans. They talk about the upset, they talk about the city and they talk about the heart of a champion.

They even play into the ‘desperate city’ card, giving NFL.com a run for its money. But in my mind, NFL.com beat them to the punch when it comes to the passion – as a sport specific site should always do.

The Associated Press article they used for their post-game recap reads wonderfully. It’s well written, and dedicates the entire first five graphs to the emerging Saints team as a courageous and triumphant franchise in an NFL world of uncertainty.

They mention Katrina, they mention the paper bags, they’re the only article of the three to mention the phrase “Aints” and they drive home Brees as a national hero – playing right into the Nation’s hands.

And again, Boston.com’s strength is the same as its weakness: its demographic. They chose to attack Manning for obvious reasons – something that only works because of their location.

But for that reason, it works perfectly for the Boston Globe’s website. It gives Boston readers exactly what they want – Peyton’s tragedy.

They can turn to NFL.com to hear about the Saints and their victory, or ESPN.com if they want to read about the biggest upset since 2007 (gulp.)

But if they want to quench their hunger, they just have to turn to Boston.com – a website that undoubtedly knows how to feed its animals.

The Big Dance

by Ian Tasso
Editorial. Photos by AP News.



It all started with these guys.

Ever since Stifler rocked out, Finchy went big and Jim hooked up with the band chick, high school has been about one thing and one thing only – the Senior Prom.

It’s the ultimate accumulation of four years of stress, annoyance, and hormones. It’s the night where everyone goes crazy, regardless of who you are or where you got picked in gym class – jocks, goths, computer nerds – hell, even the bandies blow up. How could you not?

And everything else in life has kind of followed suit.

Just like high school, everything ends with a blowout party – end of summer parties, end of year parties, end of semester parties, end of week parties - you name it, when it ends, there's a party for it.

So, why not the NFL?

After all, if people relate March Madness to ‘The Big Dance,’ then wouldn’t the Super Bowl be…the grand daddy of them all? Wouldn’t the Super Bowl be the Senior Prom itself?

Well, here we are. The NFL season has reached its final leg. We’re about to kiss 19 glorious weeks goodbye, and it’s all coming to an end this Sunday. So why not kick this thing out the only way we know how?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the 2010 NFL Playoffs as a Senior Prom – Roger Goodell High’s graduating class of 2009:

AFC-

Indianapolis Colts: Meet that kid - every school has one – who’s good at every single sport ever.

He’s the star quarterback, he’s got flowy blonde hair, his name’s usually either Chad or Tad – you know who I’m talking about. His grades usually hang around the ‘C’ range, but who cares? He got a full boat base-foot-basket-ball-hockey scholarship to University State College somewhere far away and he’s going to blow it up there too – it’s just who he is.

Guys want to be him, and girls want to be with him. Ever since he started dating that senior chick in freshman year, we all knew he was some kind of kick-ass.

And here he is, his senior year, about to close things out. He’s usually the kid who’ll have the best time at the real party, and an even better one at the after party – but unlike the real prom, this one’s going to be a heck of a lot of fun to just sit back and watch.

Inspiration: Peyton Manning

New York Jets: The Colts’ younger brother.

He’s a little twerp who’s about half as tall as everyone else, probably in middle school, but damn he’s got some swag. Not only did he sneak into the prom, but he’s the one going around, rockin’ out and hitting on all the hot older chicks.

He almost got away with it too, until Indy caught him bumping and grinding with his girl. Rule number one of High School: don’t piss off the bigger brother.

It was fun while it lasted though, right?

Inspiration: Mark Sanchez.

New England Patriots: The Van Wilder of Roger Goodell High – but way more annoying.

Don’t get me wrong – the guy was the man in High School – when he was in High School. But that was like three years ago. Dude – let it go.

No, instead, this guy keeps coming back, pounds some (a lot) beers in the parking lot and barges his way onto the dance floor. After making his obnoxious rounds, complete with putting his arm around the bro’s, pointing and winking at all the chicks and shouting “STILL GOT IT,” he eventually stumbles back outside and most likely pukes on his Varsity jacket.

Yeah, those are my Patriots.

But, hey – at least we know how to have a hell of a good time.

Inspiration: Tom Brady.

Baltimore Ravens: He’s badass and he knows it. He’s cool as hell, and he knows it. He spiked the punch, and he doesn’t care.

Let’s face it – the Ravens were predictable this year – but it didn’t necessarily mean you could stop them. Right New England?

You knew they were going to run, and they ran anyway. You knew they weren’t going to pass, and they didn’t do it anyway. You knew he was going to spike the punch, and guess what? He did it anyway.

Who cares if he got thrown out halfway through the prom? Everyone knows those dances are for losers anyway.

Inspiration: Ray Lewis.

San Diego Chargers: Everyone who went to High School knows the Colts have their entourage. And usually, there’s one meathead in the group. He’s about 6’3 and 200 lbs, and dumb as a rock? Yeah, meet the Chargers.

Nobody messes with them – they talk a lot of crap, and pack it up with an Antonio Gates sized punch. But karma’s a bitch.

And just like every NFL season, this prom won’t end well for San Diego. After a few hits of Reverend Lewis’s punch, Big Boy Shawn over here will probably find himself busting a move with Trudy, the tuba playing chick with the coke-glasses (or cola-glasses, if you would.)

But hey - I’m not going to be the one to tell him. Are you? Nah, it’s only fair.

Inspiration: Shawn Merriman

Cincinnati Bengals: They went stag because they thought it was cool.

But it turns out, standing by yourself in the corner is only cool at middle school dances. Things are supposed to change in high school – but it looks like Shayne Graham and Co. never got the memo.

They thought about it for a second, though.

That cute girl from art class walked by a few times, and Carson was all, “you think I should ask her to dance?” Then big man Shayne stepped in and was like, “Nah man, she’ll think you’re way cooler if you just chill here.”

They all agreed, nodded and leaned back up against the wall.

Nice going Shayne. You’re a champ.

Oh and Chad Ochocinco? He’s the guy up on stage break-dancing. He’s not really that good, but he does it anyway for the attention. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about – we all had one. Still, everyone cheers him on because there’s nothing better to do – Stairway to Heaven isn’t on for another few hours.

Inspiration: Shayne Graham

NFC –

New Orleans Saints: He’s the all around kid. He’s smart, funny, nice, and a wicked cutie.
Only problem is, he’s dated that same girl since like middle school – and she was a wicked bitch.

But not anymore.

It took until senior year, but the Saints made the tough decision, read the whole ‘we’re going away to school now’ script, and took out the trash.

Now, as if straight from every girl in the class’s dreams, the Saints are a single man – and during senior year no less. He’s already got his acceptance letter to the Princeton Cornell University of Brown, football season’s over and he’s ready to have some fun. Finally.

So here he is – at the final blowout of high school. He missed the first three years thanks to “Soul-Sucking Sally,” and he’s got one night to make up for it.

Three words: Fasten. Your. Seatbelts.

Inspiration: Drew Brees

Minnesota Vikings: He’s hilarious. Everyone loves the guy. All year, he’s been the dude you absolutely have to invite to the parties, or it’s just not the same. The only problem is – he can’t hold his liquor.

He has a great time at the beginning, but inevitably, when he gets his hands on Ray-Ray’s spiked punch, it’s all down-hill. He starts to get all emotional, tells everyone he loves them, laughs way too long at jokes; and in the end - as reliable as a late-game Favre interception - the Vikings find themselves hugging porcelain.

It was a great run before that though. You just have to know your limits. Live and learn, right Brett?

Inspiration: Brett Favre.

Dallas Cowboys: The rich kid.

He’s a bit of a dick, he’s really annoying, and you’re pretty sure nobody likes him. But you put up with his antics anyway.

Why? Because the after-party is in his father Jerry’s brand-new $1.15 billion dollar lake-house. Simple as that.

Each year you hope he matures, but each year he’s more miserable than the last. This year though, he’s got the lake-house.

So you know what Dallas? Go ahead, tell us all again about how you’re America’s Team and this year you don’t have T.O., and you went to Mexico with Jessica Simpson – that story will be so much better to hear in front of a 11,000 sq. ft TV.

Daddy Jones wins the day.

Inspiration: Tony Romo

Arizona Cardinals: They nearly won the Super Bowl last year at the Junior Prom with the blue tuxedo act. It was hilarious. And the top-hat, also funny.

But again, this year? I mean, we know you’re just trying to re-create the magic, but c’mon man, try something new.

You want to love the guy, you really do. But just like that one kid who’s seen every Family Guy episode ever and can’t stop quoting them – once you’ve heard all the jokes, the laughs just don’t come like they used to.

Instead, he winds up making a big entrance, gets a lot of laughs, and then just fizzles out. Not exactly how you’d hope to end your high school career, eh Kurt?

Inspiration: Kurt Warner

Philadelphia Eagles: All flash. No substance.

He rolls in the dance in the fresh pinstripes, rocking that pimpin' fedora. Shiny earrings, fresh tie; dude looks fly as hell. And there he is, talkin' big game to the hottest chick at the dance all night long. And everyone's jealous - even the Colts.

The problem? He never closes the deal. He’s the ultimate choke artist when it comes to making it count. He always blows it at the end.

This year the hot girl came in the form of Desean Jackson. Last year it was Brian Westbrook. A few years back, it was T.O., and Brian Westbrook again before him. Every year, he brings another hot girl, each one hotter than the last.

But for the Eagles, the story’s always the same – either she ditches you for the Colts, or she passes out on the ride home. Poor Donovan.

Inspiration: Desean Jackson

Green Bay Packers: You don’t really have a book on this kid – nobody does. He’s sort of cool, not the ugliest kid in the class, and you know he’s smart because you’ve cheated off him a few times in Calculus.

But he’s also a little weird and you’re pretty sure he never showers. He's always good at something obscure, too; like basket weaving. Or The Sims. Or golf.

Naturally, none of that has ever gotten him laid. And probably will never either…probably.

But again, he's a lot better than the rich kid.

Of course, he shows up at the prom, and his shirts all un-tucked and his ties all screwed up. But you share a few laughs, and all in all, he’s not a terrible kid. He’s just got some work to do. The ladies seem to like him, and even though he's never cashed in, you know he'll do alright eventually.

I mean, let’s be honest – he’s going to be cool some day. But he’s still a little lost. Give it time – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Let's just hope he doesnt keep all that sexual frustration bent up until he's older...could get ugly.

Inspiration: Aaron Rodgers

A Plea for the Good Ol' Days

by Jesse Liebman

Editorial. Photos by AP News.

Before I begin let me preface by saying, "Yes, this is another hockey article." But take note: it has been football and baseball that is responsible for its existence. While sitting in a laundromat in the North End, I picked up a book from the table: Bob Costas' "Fair Ball," and began to read. And recently, I watched the AFC and NFC crown their respective champions. Both got me thinking.

The game of hockey -- in my mind, at least -- is unquestionably the most exciting sport to watch. The powers that be have made changes to the game that have altered the face of modern hockey in the post-lockout world. And to be fair, many of these changes reinvigorated and improved what was once a dying on-ice product for the fans.

But there is one glaring defect that stands out in particular and was not corrected after 2005: how teams are aligned in the standings, and its ramifications on the postseason. Since 1993-94, the NHL decided to copy the NBA's playoff format and removed the divisional structure. This was a natural progression at the time to save money on travel costs and because of the increasing number of teams.

The NHL experimented with restoring a focus on rivalries for the first three years following the work stoppage by having divisional teams play each other eight times during the regular season, but this came at a costly expense: it reduced inter-conference play to the point where Sidney Crosby had to wait until his third season in the league to play against teams such as Vancouver, Edmonton and Colorado. You do not create rivalries by artificially forcing it.

What needs to happen -- what fans have been crying for for years -- is to re-install the old division standings. Throw away the tepid names such as Atlantic, Northeast and Central. Bring back names such as the Adams, Smythe and Norris. But what's in a name? Not much if you don't commit to fixing what it represents.

Prior to 1993-94, teams would claw their way to secure a first place finish in the division, because once the Stanley Cup Playoffs rolled around, the top four teams in each division -- there were four in total -- would face off, followed by the remaining two. Whoever won that contest would be crowned the division champion; the division champions would then compete for the conference title before advancing to compete for hockey's holy grail.

It's not only the regular season where rivalries are made; it's in the postseason, when the next game might be your last. We all know in today's NHL only one team out of 30 will win it all. So players and fans will look to raising a division banner to the rafters on opening day as a symbol of pride and excellence. The heightened sense of emotion made for a tremendous display for the fans; this manifested itself into legendary overtime games, pride-swallowing handshake lines, and yes, the occasional bench-clearing brawl.

That's how teams such as Boston and Montreal's rivalry continued to grow in the 80s and early 90s. The Adams Division was filled with legendary rivalries besides that: Montreal-Quebec; Boston-Hartford; Buffalo-Quebec.

The Norris Division prominently featured Toronto, Minnesota, Chicago, Detroit and St. Louis. These match-ups alone wrote the headlines for yesterday's sports pages.

Heck, in the Patrick Division, the battles featuring Rangers, Islanders, Capitals and Flyers produced some of the most thrilling series ever in the 80s: Pat Lafontaine's Easter Sunday goal, Ron Hextall slashing at anyone coming within ten feet of his crease, John Vanbiesbrouck pushing the Rangers to unexpected heights. Ask any fan and they'll tell you these matches were not games, but all-out war.

The Smythe Division? Three words: Oilers and Flames.

My final point is this: when you have the post-season division champions face off -- regardless of how they fared in the regular season -- it lends respect to the series and builds momentum for the eventual Stanley Cup Final.

If the NHL wants to make headway on reclaiming the No. 3 position in the Big Four -- amongst fans and the media -- it needs to give them something to focus their attentions on. Realigning the divisions back to the old format of two divisions in each conference is so obvious, it's baffling that Gary Bettman and Co. have not fixed it yet.

Oh wait, it took how many years to eliminate the two-line pass rule again? Never mind.

Good Green, Gone Bad

by Ben Barker

Editorial. Photos by AP News

It may seem crazy to call a 29-16 NBA team disappointing, but for the Boston Celtics, that’s exactly the case. Heading into the 2009-2010 season, many thought Boston had an outside shot of matching the Bulls historic 72-win season.

Since then, the Celtics have been inconsistent at best, winning only 6 of their last 17 games. So what does this mean for Boston’s green machine? Is it time to hit the panic button in Bean-town?

Not so fast. The Celtics certainly have some reason for concern, but a few minor adjustments may be all the Boston boys need to get back to their winning ways.

Go to the Hoop

Early on in the season, the Celtics looked like they couldn’t miss a shot from behind the arc. With the addition of Rasheed Wallace, the C’s were able to keep KG under the hoop, knowing ‘Sheed could knock down he 3-ball when teams would double Garnett.

However, after a red-hot start from behind the line, teams are adjusting, and the Celtics are feeling it. Of course the injury to Garnett made a difference, but not all of the blame can rest there. The best teams are able to overcome injuries and rise above the competition, and to this point, the Celtics aren’t one of those teams.

In order to make up for the drop in 3-point production, the Celtics simply have to take it to the hoop more often. Pierce and Rondo have showed all year that they are two of the best at getting to the hoop when it matters, but the real difference will have to come from the bench.

One guy who can really help the Green when used correctly is Tony Allen. When you talk about pure athletes, Tony’s face pops right into your head. When Allen gets going he simply cannot be stopped, his quickness makes teams back off, allowing him to find the open man, pull up for the jumper or force the issue and end up at the free throw line. If the Celtics can bump Allen’s minutes up from the current 18.5 to around 25, they should see a real improvement in their scoring, not to mention the help they’ll get from his defensive abilities.

Keep the Babies Quiet

The last things the Celtics need right now are distractions. In fact, more than ever, they need to bear down and focus.

This can prove very difficult when Glen Davis’ name appears in the paper every other week, and Kendrick Perkins is racking up the technical fouls. Yes, they are clearly frustrated with the team’s production, but the behavior has clearly been detrimental, especially in Davis’ case.

Big Baby sure does a lot of talking for a guy who started the season hurt, and since then has only averaged 5.5 points per game. If Glen ever wants to detach himself from the “big baby” label, he needs to drop the antics, because now more than ever, the nickname seems very appropriate.

Pass the Torch

When the Celtics brought Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett into Boston, the idea was for them (along with Paul Pierce) to help the younger players mature and develop.

Well, they’ve done just that, and it’s time for the results to start showing up. Rajon Rondo has led the Celtics in scoring in ten games throughout the season. But more often than not, these games will come when one of the “big three” are either hurt or having an off night. This needs to change. Rondo has the ability to take over a game at any given time, and this needs to start happening regardless of how Pierce, Garnett, and Allen are performing.

If Rondo and Perkins can stop seeing themselves as “fill ins” for the big guys, the Celtics are going to see a drastic change in the production from the starting five as a whole.

Be Healthy When it counts

No Celtic fan (or Magic fan for that matter) can deny that things may have ended a little different last season if Kevin Garnett had been healthy for the playoffs. However, he wasn’t, and the Celtics lost.

It’s no secret that the injury bug has bitten the Celtics once again this season. Rondo, Pierce, and Garnett have all struggled to stay on the court, and believe it or not, this is a good thing. Why?

Because it is only February. The Celtics would much rather struggle through the mid point of the season and head into the playoffs healthy than have it the other way around.

Of course, Boston will be expecting all five starters on the court come playoff time. However, the guy that is going to make the difference hasn’t seen much action this year at all. Marquis Daniels has played in only 19 games for Boston this season, and during that time, averaged only 5.7 points.

When Daniels makes his return to the court, it is almost certain these numbers will see a drastic increase. Daniels is coming off of a season in which he started 43 games and averaged 13.6 points per game. If Daniels can come back from his injury with the same kind of production that he showed with the Pacers last season, it will be like a mid-season acquisition that should boost the Celtic bench back to one of the best.

But until these things happen, the Celtics will continue to tread in mediocrity, as they drip down the Eastern standings, currently sitting at fourth place, 6.5 games back on King James and the Cavs.

And as their most recent one-point loss to the Lakers proves – to be the best you’ve got to beat the best. And right now, the Celtics aren’t, and they need to.

Media Review: Dan Shaughnessy

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News.

It’s the perfect combination of knowledge and passion; old-fashioned knowledge - the kind you only get from watching, watching and watching some more - and pure unadulterated sports passion.

And that’s why I love SI.com's piece by Dan Shaughnessy.

It’s a piece that centers on the Boston Celtics’ crushing 90-89 loss against the Los Angeles Lakers on Sunday, touching on the importance of the loss in and of itself, and the ever revealing fact that the Celtics may be entering the twilight of their title aspirations.

It’s well crafted – and that’s why I like it so much. Instead of coming out and bluntly drubbing the Celtics' effort, Shaughnessy gathers the facts at hand and forms a valuable conclusion at the end – the Celtics’ window is closing.

And he does it by blending facts with emotion.

It’s a tough line to straddle, this barrier between passion and the truth. If you stray too far on either end, the piece loses its luster. Too heavy on the facts, and people feel as if they’re doing homework; but lean too much on the passion, and you’re heading into the territory of a senseless rant, rather than a well crafted sports column.

But that’s what makes this piece such great journalism. You can tell he’s done the research – citing Boston’s unhealthy 6-8 record in January, Garnett’s unsightly 43-years of basketball age, and plenty more information sprinkled throughout the piece like oregano from a top-flight chef. You can also tell he knows what he’s talking about, dissecting the game’s final quarter with the skill of a former player. And finally, you can tell it means something to him.

In the final paragraph, where he describes his copy of the 1969 S.I. issue in his home office, you can tell this Celtics business hits him hard. And that’s the best part of the entire piece.

The entertainment value is also there. Shaughnessy cracks jokes about the Celtics and the AARP, poking fun at their weary bones. And he presents it all in a cynical ‘almost-the-end-of-the-world’ tone that resonates well with the state of Celtics Nation.

The reason he can sense this feeling so well?

Because it’s in him too.

You can feel it in his words and you can see it in his concern. Some argue this passion has no place in sports writing - it takes away from the facts, they say.

But for me, this type of passion is tightly woven in the genes of the best pieces. For me, it’s impossible to write a column on a painful 90-89 loss to the Lakers and not have it come out soaked with it.

And that’s part of the reason Shaughnessy’s been so successful in his Boston-based career.

Because this city lives sports - we eat, breathe and sleep sports. And he does too.

You can see it. He’s one of us. And that’s the most powerful weapon a sports writer has at his disposal.

After all, mass-persuasion becomes a hell of a lot easier when you’re wearing the same uniform.

Media Review: USA Today's Kevin Allen

by Jesse Liebman

Editorial. Photos by AP News.

There is a reason why USA Today's Kevin Allen consistently winds up on the Hockey News' "People of Power" list year after year. When you get right down to it, Allen sees the game of hockey with a trained eye that is only rivaled by the general managers and coaches of the National Hockey League.

Last Friday's piece on the burgeoning USA Hockey program is a perfect example of Allen's vision. In the article Allen not only points to the Americans' gold medal-winning performance in the world junior championship as a measuring stick of success, but what the national development program has done to expand the game of hockey here in the states at the grassroots and amateur levels.

Allen uses a variety of statistics in his article, noting that despite the impact of the economy, the membership of USA Hockey has increased from five years ago to 130,000 adults registered in programs across the nation.

Granted, the subject matter is not necessarily as engaging as a game recap or a feature on the rivalry between Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin, but because it comes on the heels of the world junior championship victory earlier in January, it serves its purpose as a timely and critical evaluation of just how far the United States has come in being recognized for its ability to ice a competitive team. Not only that, but Allen focuses on the all-encompassing nature of the sport itself -- not just at the professional level -- giving it a much larger context, while not appealing to the lowest common denominator.

The article itself is also not a jingoistic puff piece that lavishes praise on the United States, either. In fact, Allen quotes USA Hockey's executive director, David Ogrean, who acknowledges that despite the recent victories, Canada is still the world's hockey superpower. However, Allen informs the reader that the program has come leaps and bounds from when it was started in 1996.

All of this help to create an informative look at the sport while holding to the standards that have made Allen the de-facto hockey guru at USA Today for the past 24 years, as well one of the foremost experts on the sport.

Last Call on Air - Revenge of the Reiss

January 29, 2010
Tasso, Barker, Tam, Nieradka
Special Guest: ESPNBoston.com, Patriots Blog
Mike Reiss