by Ian Tasso
Chuck Norris. Albert Einstein. Ron Burgandy. Yosemite Sam. What do these four men have in common?
Well for one, they’re all awesome. But perhaps more importantly, they all have very robust and powerful moustaches. And though no statistical evidence has ever been provided, it is assumed that the link between their awesomeness and upper-lip hair is a prominent one.
At least that is apparently the belief of the St. Louis Cardinal’s starting pitching rotation, because you can now add them to the long list of famed ‘stache-bearers.
The idea came to them after their June 29 10-1 drubbing at the hands of the San Francisco Giants, when Joel Piñeiro and the rest of the Cardinals rotation decided it was time for a change.
Piñeiro and Co. then agreed to collectively grow out moustaches in an attempt to not only build team unity, but also harness the fabled power that lies within the lower nose garden.
That change was on perfect showcase in Wednesday night’s game between the St. Louis Cardinals and Houston Astros, which had just about everything you could ask for in a baseball game. There was a ninth inning comeback capped off with a walk-off hit, great defensive plays, fantastic pitching, clutch hitting, and most of all - moustaches. Lots and lots of mustaches.
Unfortunately for the Cardinals, in Wednesday night’s particular game, St. Louis came out on the losing end, but it wasn’t at the fault of the new facial hair. In fact, it was quite the opposite. When newly lip-sweater wearing starter Chris Carpenter left the game after eight innings of fantastic two-run baseball, the Cardinals were hanging on by a hair (pun) to a slim 3-2 lead.
Naturally, in the ninth inning Cardinal’s closer Ryan Franklin entered the game. But that’s when things got ugly. It all started with Franklin’s Civil War General-esque 1867 beard, which is clearly not a moustache. Four hits and two runs later, the Cardinals had lost the game and more importantly ruined a terrific starting effort by Carpenter and his mustache.
It might be time to break out the clippers, Franklin.
"It's just something to do, to make guys laugh and have some fun," said Piñeiro, the first to emerge with the new look. "It's something where you can make fun of each other."
And the scary fact is that it seems to be working. Since June 31, Piñeiro has been leading the Cardinal’s moustache-powered charge, posting a perfect 2-0 record with a solid 1.57 ERA to go along with it. Compare that with his 8-9 record and 3.44 ERA pre-'stache.
Not convinced? Ponder this.
Since taking a 6-3 loss in his final start without a moustache, Chris Carpenter has apparently fit quite comfortably into his new lip-sweater, going 3-0 with a 1.86 ERA. Before growing out his cookie duster, Carpenter was only a pedestrian 5-4 on the season.
Need more?
Adam Wainwright, St. Louis’s acclaimed number two man has been riding the moustache wave ever since it arrived.
Pre-moustache Wainwright? An average 8-5 record with a 3.51 ERA and 7.62 strikeouts per nine innings.
Since? 3-1 with an otherworldly 1.40 ERA, and nearly two more strikeouts a game with 9.63 K/9. Wainwright also came within two outs of his first Major League shutout in his first start with the new face buddy.
"The better they pitch, the better it looks," Cardinal’s manager Tony La Russa said. "I thought (Tuesday) night Wainwright looked gorgeous."
If that doesn’t convince you of the magic of the ‘stache, nothing will. You may as well go watch CNN along with all the other people who don’t believe in Harry Potter, Samuel L. Jackson or the Transformers.
Individual statistics and non-believers aside, the fact is that the team as a whole has been having more success ever since the nose gardens sprouted up. Since the famous Cardinal moustache-pact of 6/29/09, St. Louis is 11-7 and in sole possession of first place in the NL Central division. Granted, 11-7 doesn’t exactly jump off the page, but it certainly isn’t because of a lack of effort by the pitching staff.
As a starting staff since July 1, the Cardinals have a combined 9-4 record and an astounding 2.51 ERA, discounting one of their starters.
The missing starter? Baby-faced youngster Brad Thompson, the only starting pitcher who refuses to put on his lip sweater like everyone else. His reason? He hasn’t hit puberty yet.
“Look at me. Two swipes of the razor and I’m done shaving,” he quipped.
Thompson’s ERA since the pact? 8.38, with a miserable 0-2 record. Coincidence?
Absolutely not.
Statistically speaking, a moustache may be the next best thing to HGH when it comes to baseball. Take the legendary “Goose Gossage” for example, who started his career without a moustache and very mediocre. After recording an ERA above four in four of his first five seasons in the majors, Gossage decided to mix things up, and grow out the face flow.
In his first season with the ‘stache, ironically his first season with the Yankees, Gossage became un-hittable, and stayed that way. In six sparkling seasons in the Bronx, his ERA never dropped below 2.64, and in 1981 stood at a miniscule 0.77.
Gossage is now in the Baseball Hall of Fame and ranked second in Major League history in career saves when he retired. The only main he trailed: the famed Rollie “Fingers”, who also sported a swirly-stache of his own.
But both of those ‘stached pitchers pail in comparison to Dennis Eckersley, who currently ranks fifth on the All-Time saves board, and first in All-Time moustaches. Eck saved 390 games, compared to Fingers’ 341 and Gossage’s 310, and remains one of the most feared pitchers ever to have played the game.
But make no mistake, the upper-lip garden isn’t just for pitchers. From Wade Boggs all the way to Don Mattingly, some of baseball’s best sport fully bloomed lip-hats. Even Jason Giambi himself decided to hop on the bandwagon in the middle of the 2008 season.
Only one season removed from batting a mere .236 average, and with his career on an unavoidable downswing, Giambi revitalized his career by growing out a moustache of his own. The Great Giambino then went on to slug 32 homers and 96 RBI at the age of 37, nearly doubling his ’07 statistics in every possible category.
Now in Oakland, shaven and weary, Giambi’s average sits at a sulking .193 accompanied by 11 wimpy home runs.
Perhaps that’s why The St. Louis Moustache Miracle has even begun to grow on (pun) some of the position players. Right fielder Rick Ankiel has been sporting one of his own since early April, along with newly anointed handle-bar club members Ryan Ludwick, Mark DeRosa, Skip Shumaker, and Colby Rasmus.
Rumor has it that All-Star first baseman Albert Pujols even petitioned to Major League Baseball to trim his goatee into a simple moustache, but the move was disallowed by Commissioner Bud Selig and MLB. officials. Selig argued that since Pujols is already batting .328 with a league leading 34 homers and 90 RBI, allowing him to grow out a performance enhancing moustache would be too unfair, and possibly endanger the lives of opposing pitchers and fans in close proximity to the field.
Pujol-stache aside, it seems fitting that the Cardinals should be the team to be jumping on the moustache bandwagon, seeing as how they play directly in front of the World’s Largest Moustache – the Gateway Arch.
But only time will tell if these new lip sweaters have staying power within the Cardinal’s organization. Until then, Wainwright has absolutely no plans to ditch his furry friend.
"I will grow a mustache bigger than Wyatt Earp's if we keep winning," said Wainwright.
As scary a thought as that may be, it’s even more frightening to imagine the Cardinal’s starters having similar success to what their new moustaches have brought.
And it seems as if other teams are finally picking up on the trend.
In fact, on Wednesday afternoon the Cardinals shipped young and moustached right fielder Chris Duncan to the Red Sox in exchange for disappointing shortstop Julio Lugo.
Interestingly enough, there might be more to the trade between the Cardinals and Red Sox than on the surface. After all, not only are the Sox in the midst of a five game losing streak, but Chris Duncan has both decent right-handed power and a moustache. Julio Lugo on the other hand, does not have decent right-handed power, or a mustache.
This might be the spark that starts the fire. Perhaps it’s about time the Red Sox start picturing Jason Bay with a finely trimmed handle bar.
Frightening? So is Bay’s .180 batting average in July, and .230 average in June.
But until then, Pujols will keep mashing, Carpenter and Wainwright will keep hurling, the ‘staches will keep growing, and the Cardinals will keep winning.
Look out October. St. Louis is coming. And they’re bringing mustaches.
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