The World What?

BY TOM NIERADKA

EDITORIAL - PHOTOS BY AP NEWS

So the World Cup…What’s the Deal with that?

With the World Cup about a week underway, now is as good a time as any to take a glance at the sport that everybody but America likes. 

This is really the one time where even Americans are interested in soccer, mostly because this is like the Olympics but only with one sport. It’s that chance for Americans to prove that “Hey, even though we don’t care about this sport we’re still better than you at it”. 

But so far the World Cup has been a bit lackluster, even by normal soccer standards. However as an impartial analyst I’m always trying to dig deeper into these problems, so let’s go ahead and take a look at the good and the bad of the World Cup thus far.  

 Good: A United Front 

The World Cup really is a chance for the whole world to come together and compete. 

Hot off the heels of the successful Winter Olympics, the World Cup is yet another event where the world unites in a battle to determine who is the best at kicking a ball around a huge field for 90 minutes. It’s is a time for people to learn about other countries, and especially a time for Americans to look at a sport that they are not normally interested in and learn about the global pastime. 


Bad: BEES!

For some unknown reason, South Africa has been overrun by a horde of giant, invisible, and annoyingly loud bees…oh wait, never mind those are just vuvuzela horns, which are apparently a cultural staple of South Africa. 

Anyone who has watched at least 30 seconds of the World Cup must have noticed the incessant buzzing sound filling the arena, like a constant drone that just goes on constantly for no rhyme or reason. It’s not just when they score (if this were the case we would never hear them at all), or when something exciting happens (also rare), but these horns are literally constantly buzzing. 

I don’t care if it’s a cultural staple of the country, it’s ridiculously annoying and makes the game almost unwatchable. It’s not like British people go to games in powdered wigs, or French women expose their armpit hair, so why is it necessary for South Africans to blow these horns constantly?

Good: $$

Just like any other major event, the World Cup makes a ton of money, and at least some of that goes to South Africa. 

Now I don’t claim to be an expert, but judging from District 9, South Africa needs as much money as it can get to deal with the Alien Invasion and occupation. This is really the draw of these events, supposedly they make a great deal of cash for the hosting city. 

Now whether or not this works out or has in the past I have no idea, however I do know that the city probably doesn’t have to put a lot of money in (recall China and the many buildings they built for the Olympics, which are now rotting away), so this must be one of the high points for South Africa. 

Bad: No-Scoring Games 

In the United States we’re used to low scoring games, in everything from baseball to football, and sometimes this even makes the games more exciting. 

Nothing is better than a pitcher’s duel in baseball, or a battle of titanic defenses in football (and no, I wasn’t referring to the Titans defense). 

However soccer brings low scoring to a whole new level…and that is no scoring. As of today, three games have finished in a 0-0 tie, four in a 1-1 tie, one in a 2-2 tie, and five more finishing with a 1-0 final line. In only five games were more than two total goals scored. 

Now the punch line…this is out of 22 total games played. This means that a third of the games ended in a tie, and 80% of games had less than two total goals scored. As Americans we just simply cannot fathom the idea of such low scoring games on a consistent basis, or even worse…the gravest sin in all of sports….a tie. 

Really Bad: Ties 

“Hey Jim, who won that US-England game the other day”

“No one”

“….hmmm”

I, as well as many other Americans, believe that there should be no ties in sports. It is very rare in football, and impossible in baseball and basketball. 

In every game there is a winner and a loser…that’s the whole point. A lot of folks were saying that a tie in that US-UK game was a great victory for the US, a huge underdog who could only hope for a tie to advance against a World favorite…and I say that’s a load of bull. 

They should have kept on going until someone won, and I don’t care if it took all night. Maybe after 100 minutes they have to pull the goalies, maybe they drop in larger nets, or maybe they take a cue from hockey and both teams play shorthanded. But for God’s sake, don’t just let the game end in a tie. 

Good: Ivory Coast? Is that even legal? 

Yes, I know that was a bad joke, in fact you probably don’t even get it (not your fault, mine). But in any case the World Cup has some interesting countries in it, and helps to remind Americans that other countries exist. 

Personally after hearing that Ivory Coast was playing I went right to Google earth and figured out where the hell the Ivory Coast is (West Africa), and why they were called Ivory Coast (they’re not, it’s actually Côte d'Ivoire). 

Even Better: The DPRK 

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (aka North Korea) (aka you’re not fooling anyone) is actually a competitor, and they actually managed a goal on Brazil (which is apparently difficult). 

I’m surprised they let their players out of the country (something they’re not known for), and I’ll make a wager that those players don’t really want to go back. Their first round loss to Brazil however could be a devastating blow, and they may be going home earlier than expected. 

On the plus side, at least we know whose getting nuked first. And it’s not us!

Bad: Taking Dives 

I understand that faking injuries are a part of sports, and are intended to help your team win. Football players stay down to give the defense a breather, baseball pitchers take a long time if the catcher just took a hit, and basketball players fake more than any other American sport. 

However soccer puts all of these guys to shame. 

Walk too close to someone and he dives to the ground screaming in pain, get your legs tied up and be prepared to roll around for 20 minutes, and get head butted in the chest then cry like a girl (ok, maybe that one was legit). 

Its honestly ridiculous is this sport the amount of time people spend lying on the ground. I understand wanting a breather and hoping to draw a foul (or whatever soccer gives out…cards or something), but it’s just getting comical.

 And it’s fixable…all that FIFA needs to do is allow subs, and if a player wants to roll around on the ground kick him out of the game and send him to the locker room.  

Final Thought: 

For all of the problems that soccer has, the World Cup is still an exciting time for the world. Global competitions are great, and give a chance for an entire country to rally behind one flag. 

Sure the horns are annoying, and sure soccer games are boring and sure there’s even less scoring than there is in hockey, but for whatever reason, the rest of the world loves soccer. Even though soon after the games popularity will quickly fade, there is at least one month where the whole of the world will be united in a single competition,  and we can put aside out differences and take care of business on the pitch (except for Israel and Palestine, they just can’t seem to get along, and I’m assuming that had something to do with them not being allowed in the World Cup. Either that, or they just suck at soccer. And peace. Regardless, my name is Tom Nieradka, and I approve of the World Cup. And so should you.)