The Big Dance

by Ian Tasso
Editorial. Photos by AP News.



It all started with these guys.

Ever since Stifler rocked out, Finchy went big and Jim hooked up with the band chick, high school has been about one thing and one thing only – the Senior Prom.

It’s the ultimate accumulation of four years of stress, annoyance, and hormones. It’s the night where everyone goes crazy, regardless of who you are or where you got picked in gym class – jocks, goths, computer nerds – hell, even the bandies blow up. How could you not?

And everything else in life has kind of followed suit.

Just like high school, everything ends with a blowout party – end of summer parties, end of year parties, end of semester parties, end of week parties - you name it, when it ends, there's a party for it.

So, why not the NFL?

After all, if people relate March Madness to ‘The Big Dance,’ then wouldn’t the Super Bowl be…the grand daddy of them all? Wouldn’t the Super Bowl be the Senior Prom itself?

Well, here we are. The NFL season has reached its final leg. We’re about to kiss 19 glorious weeks goodbye, and it’s all coming to an end this Sunday. So why not kick this thing out the only way we know how?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the 2010 NFL Playoffs as a Senior Prom – Roger Goodell High’s graduating class of 2009:

AFC-

Indianapolis Colts: Meet that kid - every school has one – who’s good at every single sport ever.

He’s the star quarterback, he’s got flowy blonde hair, his name’s usually either Chad or Tad – you know who I’m talking about. His grades usually hang around the ‘C’ range, but who cares? He got a full boat base-foot-basket-ball-hockey scholarship to University State College somewhere far away and he’s going to blow it up there too – it’s just who he is.

Guys want to be him, and girls want to be with him. Ever since he started dating that senior chick in freshman year, we all knew he was some kind of kick-ass.

And here he is, his senior year, about to close things out. He’s usually the kid who’ll have the best time at the real party, and an even better one at the after party – but unlike the real prom, this one’s going to be a heck of a lot of fun to just sit back and watch.

Inspiration: Peyton Manning

New York Jets: The Colts’ younger brother.

He’s a little twerp who’s about half as tall as everyone else, probably in middle school, but damn he’s got some swag. Not only did he sneak into the prom, but he’s the one going around, rockin’ out and hitting on all the hot older chicks.

He almost got away with it too, until Indy caught him bumping and grinding with his girl. Rule number one of High School: don’t piss off the bigger brother.

It was fun while it lasted though, right?

Inspiration: Mark Sanchez.

New England Patriots: The Van Wilder of Roger Goodell High – but way more annoying.

Don’t get me wrong – the guy was the man in High School – when he was in High School. But that was like three years ago. Dude – let it go.

No, instead, this guy keeps coming back, pounds some (a lot) beers in the parking lot and barges his way onto the dance floor. After making his obnoxious rounds, complete with putting his arm around the bro’s, pointing and winking at all the chicks and shouting “STILL GOT IT,” he eventually stumbles back outside and most likely pukes on his Varsity jacket.

Yeah, those are my Patriots.

But, hey – at least we know how to have a hell of a good time.

Inspiration: Tom Brady.

Baltimore Ravens: He’s badass and he knows it. He’s cool as hell, and he knows it. He spiked the punch, and he doesn’t care.

Let’s face it – the Ravens were predictable this year – but it didn’t necessarily mean you could stop them. Right New England?

You knew they were going to run, and they ran anyway. You knew they weren’t going to pass, and they didn’t do it anyway. You knew he was going to spike the punch, and guess what? He did it anyway.

Who cares if he got thrown out halfway through the prom? Everyone knows those dances are for losers anyway.

Inspiration: Ray Lewis.

San Diego Chargers: Everyone who went to High School knows the Colts have their entourage. And usually, there’s one meathead in the group. He’s about 6’3 and 200 lbs, and dumb as a rock? Yeah, meet the Chargers.

Nobody messes with them – they talk a lot of crap, and pack it up with an Antonio Gates sized punch. But karma’s a bitch.

And just like every NFL season, this prom won’t end well for San Diego. After a few hits of Reverend Lewis’s punch, Big Boy Shawn over here will probably find himself busting a move with Trudy, the tuba playing chick with the coke-glasses (or cola-glasses, if you would.)

But hey - I’m not going to be the one to tell him. Are you? Nah, it’s only fair.

Inspiration: Shawn Merriman

Cincinnati Bengals: They went stag because they thought it was cool.

But it turns out, standing by yourself in the corner is only cool at middle school dances. Things are supposed to change in high school – but it looks like Shayne Graham and Co. never got the memo.

They thought about it for a second, though.

That cute girl from art class walked by a few times, and Carson was all, “you think I should ask her to dance?” Then big man Shayne stepped in and was like, “Nah man, she’ll think you’re way cooler if you just chill here.”

They all agreed, nodded and leaned back up against the wall.

Nice going Shayne. You’re a champ.

Oh and Chad Ochocinco? He’s the guy up on stage break-dancing. He’s not really that good, but he does it anyway for the attention. Yeah, you know who I’m talking about – we all had one. Still, everyone cheers him on because there’s nothing better to do – Stairway to Heaven isn’t on for another few hours.

Inspiration: Shayne Graham

NFC –

New Orleans Saints: He’s the all around kid. He’s smart, funny, nice, and a wicked cutie.
Only problem is, he’s dated that same girl since like middle school – and she was a wicked bitch.

But not anymore.

It took until senior year, but the Saints made the tough decision, read the whole ‘we’re going away to school now’ script, and took out the trash.

Now, as if straight from every girl in the class’s dreams, the Saints are a single man – and during senior year no less. He’s already got his acceptance letter to the Princeton Cornell University of Brown, football season’s over and he’s ready to have some fun. Finally.

So here he is – at the final blowout of high school. He missed the first three years thanks to “Soul-Sucking Sally,” and he’s got one night to make up for it.

Three words: Fasten. Your. Seatbelts.

Inspiration: Drew Brees

Minnesota Vikings: He’s hilarious. Everyone loves the guy. All year, he’s been the dude you absolutely have to invite to the parties, or it’s just not the same. The only problem is – he can’t hold his liquor.

He has a great time at the beginning, but inevitably, when he gets his hands on Ray-Ray’s spiked punch, it’s all down-hill. He starts to get all emotional, tells everyone he loves them, laughs way too long at jokes; and in the end - as reliable as a late-game Favre interception - the Vikings find themselves hugging porcelain.

It was a great run before that though. You just have to know your limits. Live and learn, right Brett?

Inspiration: Brett Favre.

Dallas Cowboys: The rich kid.

He’s a bit of a dick, he’s really annoying, and you’re pretty sure nobody likes him. But you put up with his antics anyway.

Why? Because the after-party is in his father Jerry’s brand-new $1.15 billion dollar lake-house. Simple as that.

Each year you hope he matures, but each year he’s more miserable than the last. This year though, he’s got the lake-house.

So you know what Dallas? Go ahead, tell us all again about how you’re America’s Team and this year you don’t have T.O., and you went to Mexico with Jessica Simpson – that story will be so much better to hear in front of a 11,000 sq. ft TV.

Daddy Jones wins the day.

Inspiration: Tony Romo

Arizona Cardinals: They nearly won the Super Bowl last year at the Junior Prom with the blue tuxedo act. It was hilarious. And the top-hat, also funny.

But again, this year? I mean, we know you’re just trying to re-create the magic, but c’mon man, try something new.

You want to love the guy, you really do. But just like that one kid who’s seen every Family Guy episode ever and can’t stop quoting them – once you’ve heard all the jokes, the laughs just don’t come like they used to.

Instead, he winds up making a big entrance, gets a lot of laughs, and then just fizzles out. Not exactly how you’d hope to end your high school career, eh Kurt?

Inspiration: Kurt Warner

Philadelphia Eagles: All flash. No substance.

He rolls in the dance in the fresh pinstripes, rocking that pimpin' fedora. Shiny earrings, fresh tie; dude looks fly as hell. And there he is, talkin' big game to the hottest chick at the dance all night long. And everyone's jealous - even the Colts.

The problem? He never closes the deal. He’s the ultimate choke artist when it comes to making it count. He always blows it at the end.

This year the hot girl came in the form of Desean Jackson. Last year it was Brian Westbrook. A few years back, it was T.O., and Brian Westbrook again before him. Every year, he brings another hot girl, each one hotter than the last.

But for the Eagles, the story’s always the same – either she ditches you for the Colts, or she passes out on the ride home. Poor Donovan.

Inspiration: Desean Jackson

Green Bay Packers: You don’t really have a book on this kid – nobody does. He’s sort of cool, not the ugliest kid in the class, and you know he’s smart because you’ve cheated off him a few times in Calculus.

But he’s also a little weird and you’re pretty sure he never showers. He's always good at something obscure, too; like basket weaving. Or The Sims. Or golf.

Naturally, none of that has ever gotten him laid. And probably will never either…probably.

But again, he's a lot better than the rich kid.

Of course, he shows up at the prom, and his shirts all un-tucked and his ties all screwed up. But you share a few laughs, and all in all, he’s not a terrible kid. He’s just got some work to do. The ladies seem to like him, and even though he's never cashed in, you know he'll do alright eventually.

I mean, let’s be honest – he’s going to be cool some day. But he’s still a little lost. Give it time – Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Let's just hope he doesnt keep all that sexual frustration bent up until he's older...could get ugly.

Inspiration: Aaron Rodgers