Philadelphia - Where Failure Is an Option

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News

I wasn’t going to do it. I felt bad, to be honest. Which is weird, because usually when it comes to sports, I'm a soulless bastard.

Regardless, the Bruins had somehow taken the form of Jesus on Ice, went up 3-0, and I felt bad about writing one of these. I was about halfway through, and scrapped it.

But then something amazing happened. It came when Dan Carcillo was skating around somewhere, or being a bitch at some point, his floppy mullet flailing in the air, that stupid tooth-less smile on his face – and I realized something.

God, do I hate Philadelphia.

Then, Philly went and won game four, giving me a little extra time to fish through and find some extra reasons why Philadelphia sucks.

And then my dad dropped 180 bucks – of his hard earned money - to bring me and my sister to watch game five.

And Philly went and won.

And that’s when I decided this had to be written. For my dad, for his 180 bucks, and for the city of Boston. Because we need this. And Philly needs this. Because they suck.

So without further ado, here are ten reasons why Philadelphia sucks ass.

10. Terrell Owens:

It’s funny because this was one of the reasons that Buffalo sucked too. And now it’s a reason why Philadelphia sucks. Turns out, those two cities have more in common than we thought. Like, sucking.

And this dickhead.

Heading into the 2004 season, the Philadelphia Eagles had lost three straight NFC Championship games, and were cementing themselves as the perennial choke artists of the NFL (more on them, I promise).

Owens was supposed to be the guy that put them over the top, pushed this floundering Eagles team to the promised land – T.O. was supposed to be the savior. Which, I guess, says a lot about the Philadelphia Eagles.

Immediately upon arrival in Philly, Owens inflicted his will on the football field, helping the Eagles establish a 13-1 record through 14 games.

Then, as usual with number 81, the shit hit the fan. For some ungodly reason, Terrell Owens found reason to drive his 13-1 Eagles team straight into the ground, bringing his unholy self with it.

Needless to say, when the year was said and done, T.O. did what he always does – tear it up on the field, and rip everything else up off of it, leaving in his wake only a puking Donovan McNabb, an ever fattening Andy Reid, a concussed Brian Westbrook and thousands of confused Philly fans.

So really, not much had changed.

9. Michael Vick:

From one convicted moron to another, Michael Vick is yet another reason why Philadelphia sucks ass.

After busting out of prison, Vick was brought in simply to be a douche. Not a starting QB, or a backup, or anything else. Just a douche. Or a change-of-pace back. Or just a douche.

Either way, whatever Vick was brought in to be, he wasn’t - posting career lows in both rushing and passing yards during a disappointing campaign that culminated in a week 13 victory over his ex-club, the Atlanta Falcons.

That’s right, Vick’s 2009 season climaxed when he posted a season-high 65 yards of total offense (wow!) in a tearful, revenge-driven performance against his old squad.

Way to go Mike – how to stick it to those douche-bag Falcon fans who cheered you on like the next coming of Jesus for six years while you threw for under 3,000 yards in each one of them, reaching the postseason only twice. And goddamn that Atlanta management that held on to you for six ringless seasons, despite the fact that you never once showed the ability to lead Atlanta to a Super Bowl.

And God forbid they release you after you spend two years in prison. Those assholes.

At least now, if you and Brett Favre ever sit down to have a drink in whatever hell-hole that type of a meeting would ever occur (probably Buffalo), you’ll have something to chit-chat about.

Way to go Mike. You’re a champ.

8. Don’t Tase Me Bro:

You didn’t honestly expect me to write a “Philly Sucks” article without mentioning this asshole, did you?

Of course not.

In a move that represented the Philadelphia fan-base like Zidane’s headbutt represented the French, 17-year-old Steven Consalvi (moron) leapt the outfield fence and went for a joy-jog in the Philadelphia outfield.

Turns out running on the field is illegal unless you’re a player (who knew?), and only 30 short seconds after setting foot on the outfield grass, our good friend Steve received 50,000 volts right to the back.

He wasn’t drunk. He wasn’t high. He wasn’t under any sort of duress. He was just simply from Philadelphia. And therefore, a dumbass.

And as if this story couldn’t get any better, the day after that 17-year-old dick-brain got tasered, another shining citizen of Philadelphia thought it would be a great idea to give it another go – because, hey, it worked out so well for the other guy.

Yes, that’s right, less than 24-hours after one moron got tasered for running onto the field, another Philly fan figured it would be funny to run onto the field. Only this time, he didn’t get tased – probably because after they electro-shocked Mr. Consalvi, the entire country of PolicallycorrectAmerica shat itself, because god forbid the security guard enforce some rules.

Really nothing left to say here. It’s all pretty self-explanatory.

Just remember, there’s a reason there used to be a prison built into the basement of the Philadelphia Eagle’s stadium. And that reason is Philadelphia.

Note: I picked that photo because if there ever was a father-son duo that had jail-time written all over them, that would be them.

7. Crime Rates:

Let’s take a break from sports related factuality’s about the suckatude of Philadelphia to focus on one of the more important aspects of this shit-hole – a lot of people get killed there.

And when I say a lot, I mean a lot.

On top of presenting a resume of sports teams bested in suckage by only the Browns and the WNBA, Philadelphia also features the nations sixth highest crime rate – behind only the lovely cities of Oakland, Baltimore, Detroit, Memphis and St. Louis.

Not only that, but Philadelphia also features the nation’s ninth highest robbery rate, and third highest rape rate for a city not located in Ohio (three cities in the top six), because I guess when your sports teams suck as much as they do in Philadelphia and Cleveland, there isn’t much to do besides forcibly have sex with people.

At this point, you probably have a better chance at getting either killed, raped or stolen from in Philadelphia than you do at seeing a championship victory (one in the last 75 years).

Ah, yes. “Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love.”

How about we try a new one, like: “Philadelphia, You'll Probably Die Here.”

Note: Yes, you read it right – Ohio features three cities in the top six of our nation’s “Rape Rate” rankings – Columbus, Cleveland and Cincinnati. And who says LeBron wants to leave? It sounds like a great place!

6. Daniel Carcillo:

If Philadelphia were an athlete, it would be Dan Carcillo.

A monstrosity of a man – a toothless bastard – Carcillo’s sole responsibility on the ice is to be as much of a piece of shit as possible, and not much else.

If there were an award for the biggest ass on the ice, Carcillo would be the NHL’s LeBron.

Check it out - below is where Carcillo accuses Savard of biting him during the playoffs.



Really though, I don't know what's worse - accusing someone of biting you, or actually being bitten. Dude, get your fingers out of his face. For real.

But that's what he does. He's a dickwad.

In fact, of his five sizzling seasons in the NHL, his best campaign came in the 2007-08 season, with the Phoenix Coyotes, where he netted a whole 13 goals (only the second time he’s topped four in his career), and contributed a whopping 342 penalty minutes, which led the NHL.

Needless to say, his useless existence was surely a major reason why Phoenix finished in 12th place in the Western Conference that year.

For reasons unknown, the following season, Philadelphia made a move midway through the year to acquire the useless forward from Phoenix, to which Carcillo responded with a whole 0 goals in 20 games.

He was, however, able to total 80 penalty minutes in his time with Philly that season – four times the amount of minutes he totaled.

Quick hockey math lesson – if you ever post four times your ice-minutes in any stat - goals, assists or points - you’re a sure-fire first-ballot hall of famer.

Unless of course that stat is penalty minutes, which makes you a sure-fire first-ballot asshole.

To be honest, the fact that the NHL even allows the man to wield a stick during his time on the ice is beyond me – dude only uses it as a weapon.

Instead, the league should legally remove his stick, and replace it with a pair of Hulk Hands, or one of those inflatable hammers you win at the fair – that way it would at least be funny to watch, and less people would get hurt.

Not to mention, guy’s Canadian.

It's guys like Caccillo that inspire play like this from the Flyers. Yes, I do remember. A Bruin never forgets.

5. The Philly Phanatic:

What the fuck is this thing?

Seriously. What the hell is it.

It looks like something out of a Dr. Seuss book ate nothing but green-beans for a week, took a shit, that shit mated with Gonzo from the Muppets, and this was it’s child.

For that matter, what the hell is a Phillie? Or a Flyer? I’m only assuming a Phillie is just a resident of Philadelphia, which makes the name that much more stupid. If I had to cheer on a team called the Boston Bostonians, I’d kill myself. That simple.

I guess when your team name is as stupid as “The Phillies,” the only logical idea for a mascot would be this piece of shit.

And once the city of Philadelphia realized Ronald MacDonald beat them to the punch, they would up with the Phanatic.

That’s my only guess. And really, it’s the only thing that makes sense, unless you’re drunk.

4. The Eagles:

You know it was coming. I knew it was coming. We all knew it was coming.

The NFL’s toilet rag, the Philadelphia Eagles have become the staple child of failure over the past 10, 20, 70 years of their existence. In fact, the Eagles are unlike most teams who suck in the NFL, in that they consistently make the playoffs – eight of the past ten years – which makes it all the more hilarious that they haven’t won an NFL Championship since 1960.

Here are a few simple bullet points as to why the Eagles truly are a miserable excuse for a football team.

-Donovan McNabb (More on him later, I promise).

-Andy Reid. Really, is there a fatter head coach in the NFL? (More on this later too, I promise) The worst game manager in the NFL today, leave it up to Reid to post the league’s worst third and short success rate the past three seasons. Third and two? Passing. Third and ten? Running. Third and inches? Hold on, time-out. Let’s think this over. We’re punting.

-Brian Westbrook. The league’s most injury prone player, Westbrook is electrifying when he’s on the field, which is like saying the guys who wrote The Macarena were musical geniuses. The fact is, Westbrook can stay healthy for about as long as you can hold your breath. Go ahead, try it. The minute you exhale, Brian will break a rib.

-DeSean Jackson. He’s mildly retarded, and after McNabb left for Washington, had nothing but nice things to say about his ex-quarterback. Real stand up guy. I will say this about DeSean though – he was kind enough to save me a little work, and sum up the Philadelphia Eagles in one simple play. Enjoy.

3. Fat People:

For a city that doesn’t win a whole lot, Philadelphia does find its way atop some pretty prestigious lists in this country, like, murder rates. And also, for instance, Men’s Health’s Fattest Cities list, where the wonderful city of Philadelphia sits at a plump number four in the country.

That fact in and of itself is sort of hilarious, especially when you consider Andy Reid – but it gets better.

Because that list was published back in 2003.

As for the most recent rankings? Turns out, Philadelphia has slimmed down a little, sliding to number 20 in the nation, which is sort of like when the Yankees trimmed down their budget this year as compared to last (Wow, a whole eight million less? You guys are like the modern day Robin Hood.)

Personally, I think it’s hilarious, because at this point, Philadelphia should just embrace the fat, that way, they could at least be number one at something for once.

But no, turns out, even when it comes to being the nation’s fattest city, Philadelphia still can’t maintain a lead.

2. Allen Iverson:

It’s not enough that Rasheed Wallace was born in Philadelphia.

No, Philly had to go and take an even bigger shit on the basketball world by employing this shitbag for over 11 years.

One of the most pathetic, individualistic players in NBA history, Allen Iverson truly put the “I” in Iverson. He never passed. He never practiced (practice?). He never did anything except shoot, which yes, translated in a lot of scoring. A lot of scoring.

I’m not taking anything away from his playing ability. We all know he was one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history, and one of the most exciting talents ever to grace the hardwood.

Unfortunately, he was also one of the biggest douches ever to play the game.

Ever.

So, somehow it feels fitting that he played all those years in Philadelphia.

1. Donovan McNabb:

At last we’re here. At last.

The number one, biggest reason why the city of Philadelphia sucks, is a guy who doesn’t even play for them anymore.

That’s right, Philly was so shitty, not even the shittiest thing about it could bear it’s shitty-ness anymore.

Really though, could it have been anyone else?

I mean, perfect example: Super Bowl 39, right. The biggest stage in the NFL – the biggest stage of his career – the Eagles trailing New England by seven, time winding down, Philly needed a quick score to have any chance in the game, and this clown does the only thing an Eagle could.

He throws up. Just stands in the huddle, and chunks away, like it’s no big deal. Clock winds down, drive takes too long, Eagles lose. No joke, for all the time the Eagles have lost and not made the Super Bowl because it’s mostly McNabb’s fault, this time, it literally was his fault – because he felt the need to show everyone what he had for dinner.

And as if that wasn’t enough, guy does it AGAIN a few years later, this time against the Buccaneers.

Really though, if you feel so much pressure against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, that you need to throw up, you must be from Philadelphia.

And you must be Donovan McNabb – the single worst reason why the city of Philadelphia sucks ass.

Because while the city of Philly might be famous for its sports choking, Donovan McNabb takes it to a whole ‘nother level.

I will say this though; for all that Philadelphia sucks – and it does a lot – there is at least one redeeming quality about it: the cheese steaks.

And they are damn good. I highly recommend everyone has one.

Except Donovan McNabb. For obvious reasons.

Plus, why would you ever want a cheesesteak, when you could have Chunky Soup?

That's what I thought.