Turn Up the Heat, Baby

BY IAN TASSO
EDITORIAL - PHOTOS BY AP NEWS

Let me preface this article by stating I am an entirely neutral party here.


I am not from Cleveland, nor do I ever find myself wishing I was. I don’t know anyone that lives there, have never passed through it, and quite honestly, don’t care to accomplish either of those tasks under my own will or consciousness.

On a similar note, I am not from Miami either. And aside from my few opinions on South Beach, which oddly enough mostly stem from Will Smith, I have no attachment to the city of Miami.


Although, I’m not going to lie, I do feel some weird sort of connection with it ever since I beat GTA: Vice City. It’s strange, but I feel like I own it. Ask anyone who ever beat that game, and I’m sure they’ll say the same thing. Somehow I feel like I'm destined to move there, spend copious amounts of coke money on sunglasses, chains and new boats, and flip Ferrari's over the bridge.


But I digress.

Facts are, I’m attached to one basketball team, and one basketball team only – the Boston Celtics, who were not in any way, shape or form involved in the transplant of LeBron’s courtship.

On that same level, I have only enough hate in my body for one basketball team, and one basketball team only – the Los Angeles Lakers, who, just as the Celtics, were not involved here.

To put it simply, I have no dog in this fight. I have no stake here. I have no steak here either; I’m actually eating chicken as I write this instead. Why you ask? Chicken over steak? Because I bought this chicken pre-cooked from Shaw’s. Go ahead; buy a pre-cooked steak from Shaw’s. I dare you. I, on the other hand, plan to live past the age of 25.

Even so, despite not having any dogs or stakes (or steaks), I, just like any self respecting sports fan, do have an opinion on the matter. And as usual, it happens to be an opinion that, I promise, many of you won’t like. In fact, a large majority of you might detest me for it.

Ask me if I care.

Go ahead, ask me. Shoot me an email, subjected “do you care, Ian?”

And in the time that it takes me to respond to that email by pressing the “delete” button, you can read this: my compilation of 6 reasons why LeBron made the most correct decision since Thomas Jefferson signed the Declaration of Independence in permanent ink, and told King George and the rest of those big-wigged Frenchmen to shove it.

1.     All He Wants To Do is Win

Win, win, win, no matter what.

Even if it costs him his reputation.

This just in ladies and gentlemen: It’s all about the W’s, baby.

LeBron James just wants to win. Above all, he wants to hold a trophy. He’s been that way since he was in high school, he would have been that way in college had he attended, and he’s like that at the professional level.

All he cares about is winning.

In fact, he cares so much about it, that he just sacrificed a permanent 30 points a game for the rest of his career, as well as his heralded “Golden Boy” image all to become one of the most hated athletes in professional basketball on a team that presents the best chance for him to win a title in the short-term.

As it stands right now, he’s on quite possibly the most talented starting five we’ve seen in a long time. And I mean that.

Will it gel? Who knows? Unlike the Celtics in 2008, this presents a slew of possible problems. One, they’re not all in their 30’s, and have quite a bit of maturing to do. Two, unlike the battle-weary Celtics of old, James, Bosh and Wade all still have their egos intact. And three, the Celtics made sense...

A shooting guard, a ball handler, and a post-player. Ray, Paul and Kevin. It was the perfect combination of players. The Heat on the other hand, simply have two tremendous but also similar players, and a post-player.

Could it still work? Hell yes, LeBron and Wade together is scary enough. But will it take time and a lot of work? Most likely.

Listen, could LeBron have won one in Cleveland? Maybe. Probably. We’ll never know. But he needed help. And Miami did for him in a week what Cleveland failed to do in seven years. That simple.

And for those of you that think he should have “stuck it out” and won one by himself, ponder this:

Jordan had Pippen. Kobe had Shaq. Magic had Kareem. And Jamaal Wilkes. Who did LeBron have all these years? Zydrunas Ilgauskas? Mo Williams? Delonte West? (too soon?)

Listen, I realize the best players make the best plays when it matters the most. That’s why Bird will always be remembered as a winner, as will Jordan, as will Kobe, and on and on. But NONE of them won it by themselves. None.

I repeat. Though there are only five men on the court at a time, and it may seem like you can win an NBA title by yourself, you in fact, cannot.

Christ you could argue one of the most important players on the 2008 Celtics run was James Posey – a bench player.

You can win plenty of regular season games, just ask LeBron, it’s simple. But a title, that’s another story. Teams have weeks to prepare – no, design - defenses against you. It’s a different animal. That’s just the way it is. No Batman has ever won a title without a Robin.

And now LeBron has two of them.

2.     Seven Years

It’s a bit weird when you think about it, because LeBron is only 25, but he’s played seven years in Cleveland. That’s a long ass time.

That’s college twice.

Or worse, high school twice.

And what happened over those seven years? He became arguably the best player in the NBA about seven different times. And won a title about zero times.

The fact remains; he’s almost 30 in NBA years. He’s got four more seasons of NBA play on his legs than any other 25 year old does, and he doesn’t have many years of high-flying league dominance left in him. 

Sure, he’ll always be great, but the window of possibility as far as winning a title with the B-list cast he had in Cleveland is quickly closing. And he realized that.

I understand he lived there, and I understand the connection he had with the city.

But he wasn’t winning in Cleveland – at least not soon. They just couldn’t deliver.

Look at the facts: instead of signing a big-name free-agent two off-seasons ago, LeBron was given Mo Williams as a right-hand man, which is the equivalent of being forced to eat soup with a fork.

And then at this year’s trading deadline, when Cleveland fruitlessly went after Suns’ big-man Amare Stoudamire, LeBron ended up with Antawn Jamison as his go-to-guy. Try starting a fire with a flashlight.

Here’s a novel idea Cleveland – want to keep LeBron so bad? Understand how desperately you need him? How desperately you want him? Trade for Amare at the deadline. Give up exactly what you have to, and then more.

If you really want to keep him, give him what he wants.

No, instead, they assumed he’d stay regardless, smiling like an oblivious child as you’re stealing all his candy, and gave him Jamison.

And what happened? They got burned.

They’re naivety bit them in the ass big-time, and now they’re paying for it.

Lesson learned.

3.     It’s a Business, Actually

It’s the way of the game now, that’s just the way it goes.

Sure, Jordan never left Chicago, and Larry never left Boston. But back then, nobody ever left anywhere.

It’s a different game now. Heck, Shaq left the Lake Show, Mossy left the Vikings, KG left the Wolves, Ray-Ray left the Sonics, Montana left the ‘9ers – it happens people. It’s just the way it goes.

Now, I understand LeBron was on a slightly higher level than those guys, but the fact remains, it happens.

The NBA is a business, and LeBron made a business-based decision, putting his emotions aside. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do? Isn’t that what we’re taught? To think with our brains, and leave everything else at the door?

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I understand why Cleveland reacted the way they did. Their heart was ripped out. I get that. And I’ll hit on that later. But to respond the way Cav’s owner Dan Gilbert did, is completely classless, and beyond me.

Which is why I reserved that for reason number four.

4.     Gilbert is a Crybaby

Honestly, dude. Get over yourself.

You’re an NBA Owner for Christ’s sake. Quit acting like your wife left you, and react like a normal owner should when one of their players departs for greener pastures.

Here’s an example of what his letter should have read like that night:

“We will battle, we will respond, and we will do everything in our power to deliver a title to the city of Cleveland.”

Instead, Gilbert took a cue from Fall Out Boy, pulled out the knife and bled himself all over the paper like a whiny 16-year old gothic maniac. Check out an excerpt from Danny Boy's open-heart surgery captured on paper:




"Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there. Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.


This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.


But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.


The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.


Just watch.


You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.You have given so much and deserve so much more. In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight: “I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE."


You can take that one to the bank."




Take it to the bank? Alright Enron.


Seriously though. Aside from the fact that this may be the whiniest letter I've seen since the Notebook, check out that guarantee at the end one more time. 


Really Dan? You guarantee that? Are you aware what a guarentee is? I realize you were trying to be motivational…but so was Samuel L. Jackson in Deep Blue Sea. And if you ask me, the similarities here are uncanny:

Maybe the best part of this whole fiasco, was Mr. Gilbert' prize for going all Death Cab for Cutie on us. Sort of like the guy who streaks at the party: he got a few laughs, a smile or two, and a $100K fine. $100,000. That's a lot of cheese.

Did he deserve it all? Yes. Absolutely. Especially the fine.

What does any of this have to do with LeBron leaving?

Think about it. If that’s what the Cavaliers owner is like in public, imagine what he’s like behind closed doors.

Can you say psycho girlfriend?

Think Regina George from Mean Girls meets Cameron Diaz from Vanilla Sky meets EVE from Wall-E. Yes, EVE from Wall-E. All she does is pelt him with lasers for half the movie, and all he wants to do is hold her hand. Can you say bitch?

No thanks. Where’s the underground tunnel Bron, I’m out too. I don’t want Gilbert screening my calls anymore.

Which brings me to reason number five.

5.     Cleveland Doesn’t Own Him

Listen - I feel for Cleveland. I really do.

It’s a once great sports town that will now continue to plunge deeper into athletic failure with every following year – despite Dan Gilbert’s tremendous “championship guarantee,” which will most likely work out like Boromir’s last stand did in Lord of the Rings.

But the harsh reality is, the city doesn’t own LeBron James. They don’t.

Sure, he meant a lot to the city, and the city means a lot to him, but that doesn’t mean shit as far as where he’ll play basketball.

And also - have you ever been to Miami? Never mind that, have you ever seen pictures of Miami? What about Will Smith’s song about it? Have you ever heard it?

I mean honestly. We’re talking about a city where the temperature is always above 80 degrees, the chicks are always in bikinis, and anytime you ask someone where the beach is, they say…“right there.” Seriously, finding the beach in Miami is like pinning the tail on a life-size poster of Rosie O'Donnell. You can't miss.

As asinine as it may seem, that played a huge part in LeBron’s decision.

Because as tantalizing as dodging bullets in the 22 degree February weather may seem, I’ll take a surfboard and a fruity drink with an umbrella any day of the week.

Even if it means I have to watch the Marlins every night. Because let’s face it, it beats the hell out of watching the Indians.

It boils down to this - LeBron's always been a fun loving guy. He plays the game because he loves it. And now, he has the perfect scenario. He doesn't have to be the silent killer like Michael Jordan was. He doesn't have to be an "in your face" on-court coach like Kobe is. He just gets to smile, and play with two of his friends, in quite possibly the most perfect city for his personality.

He'll let Wade be the killer. And he'll just play. And win.

Can you seriously blame him for this?

6. Get Amped

Seriously. How can you not?

Listen, as a fan of sports, I’m excited for this. I really am.

And as a fan of basketball, I get even more excited about this. Almost Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show excited. But not quite.

The fact is we’re about to see two of the greatest NBA talents of our generation – maybe even the two very best - take the court night in, night out, in the same jersey, on the same team.

It’s exciting as all hell. It has to be. If you have the ability, you’ll be tuning in to Miami Heat games if at all possible. If you have a pulse, you’ll be checking the box scores to see who took control last night (yeah…that happened, whatever.)

It’s going to be pure magic on the hardwood each time the Miami Heat suit up. I mean, just as a fan, to see those two guys on the court attacking the same basket, you can’t help but get excited.

Each game promises an entirely new set of “holy shit call your dad” moments, a brand new “I haven’t seen that since NBA Street Vol. 2” mind-blowing dunk, and a terrifically crisp “you have to replay that about 12 times to actually see where the ball went” behind the back pass.

Bottom line is this.

Every generation has their superstars of the court. Their wizards of the hardwood. Captains of their position.

For some, it was M.J., Shaq and Karl Malone.

For my dad, it was Larry Legend, Magic Johnson, and Patrick Ewing.

And for us?

Well, sure, Kobe’s one of them. But now two of them are on the same team.

Few players come along with the level of talent that LeBron James and Dwyane Wade possess. And on top of that, few players are as talented and as quick in the low-post as Chris Bosh has been in Toronto all these years, despite the double-teams he faces every single night.

And now, all three of them will combine forces.

If that doesn’t send shivers up your spine, I don’t know what will.

And oh yeah, one more thing: if one more person tells me, “LeBron will never be mentioned with the Jordan’s, the Magic’s and the Kobe’s of the world after this,” I’m going to slap you. Without warning. I’ll just cock back, and deliver the most pride-obliterating bitch slap you’ve ever seen. Or heard. Because yes, you will hear it.

Listen – while I appreciate the opinion, something everyone’s entitled to, I believe I’ve heard that somewhere else…oh yeah, on ESPN. Over a thousand times.

Just because you can regurgitate exact quotations from Sports Center, doesn’t mean you understand sports. Formulate your own opinion, similar as it may be, and then get back to me.

And for the record, you know why he will forever be mentioned with those guys? Because he just was. And you just did it.