Almost Canada: Reasons why Buffalo Sucks

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News

The Buffalo Sabres and Boston Bruins are currently mired in what promises to be a great series of playoff hockey - plenty of hard hits, fantastic goalie play and better yet, down-to-the-wire games that carry an all-or-nothing weight.

What more could you ask for?

Honestly? Not much. Except for the one thing that’s missing in this series: some good, old-fashioned hatred - the sports hatred that we all know and love.

Because, to be honest, there really isn’t much right now. And we need it.

I don’t really get why it’s not there – Buffalo is in New York after all, which, to Bostonians, is a free-pass to GO as far as hatred is concerned. But nonetheless, that sports hatred? For a division rival in Buffalo? Non-existant.

I’m not talking about that type of hatred that makes you want to choke out your roommate – it’s more than that.

It’s the sports hatred – the kind of hatred that means you and your dick friend who likes the Yankees can go share a beer during the Sox-Bombers game, joke about how hot that chick in Physics class is, and then when Robinson Cano hits his second home run of the day, you can call him a bastard, and tell him “If he does that again, I’m capturing your little sister.”

That type of hatred.

So here we are, in a 2-1 hockey series that has gotten the city of Boston more riled up in their pants than Hedi Watney. This town is excited for hockey. You know it, I know it, Herb Brooks knows it and now Mark Ellis’ face knows it (boom).

As for the hatred? Gone. Until now. Here are 10 reasons why you, the Bostonian, should hate Buffalo, which, according to these reasons, sucks ass. Enjoy.

10. Terrell Owens

As if this over-caffeinated dingbat needed more reason to piss off New Englanders, he goes and joins the impenetrably retarded franchise that is the Buffalo Bills.

Four Super Bowl appearances. Four Super Bowl losses. And to make matters worse, the city that already has Scott Norwood goes and adds Terrell Owens. Why. Why?

The results? Not only did he put together the most miserably failed season of his career since 1999, but he also took a giant number two on the entertainment world by creating “The T.O. Show,” something that was more of a televised abomination than every day of David Letterman’s humorless and utterly useless existence.

Better yet - the TO Show? It’s back for season two, starting this summer. Score.

9. It’s Cold as Shit

Seriously.

I live in Boston, and it gets cold. Actually, it gets ridiculously cold. On average, in the wintery clusterfu*k of a month we know as January, Boston features a cozy temperature well below freezing, at 28.4 degrees F.

Buffalo? Buffalo averages 17.3 degrees during that month.

Without hesitation, I can tell you that’s freezing as shit. There aren’t many things you can do in a city that averages 17 degrees outside during an entire month. Except maybe sit inside and bash your head against a wall to try to generate some sort of heat – which, I suppose, in a way, explains the Buffalo Bills.

8. They’re Pretty Much Canada

I mean they’re not. But yet, they are.

To be honest, the state of New York already has enough to worry about as is (mainly New Jersey). Canada should just take over Buffalo, once and for all, and rid us of this issue. We don’t even want it. We won’t even retaliate. We’ll pretend like we didn’t notice. Just send the Mounties in, and voila, you can have it.

You can take Rhode Island too while you’re at it if you want. I don’t care.

Plus, if you look at the map (below), Buffalo logistically (and legally I think) already belongs to Canada (which leads me to reason number 7 of why Buffalo sucks):

(map created by me. yes, I'm pretty artistically talented, I know)

Note: apologies to anyone who goes to Syracuse University. But I’ve been there, and it’s so cold and miserable, there’s no way it’s not legally part of Canada.

7. Canada Sucks

See: the CFL, the Toronto Blue Jays, and the Metric System.

Also – did you know Canada gained their independence from England in 1982? 1982?! We told those limey bastards to eat a bag like 300 years ago. Talk about taking your sweet ass time…

6. Ralph Wilson Stadium

The second Buffalo Bills based reason as to why the entire city sucks. 

Really though, look at this picture.

Do you even want to watch a football game here? Let alone the fact that you’d have to walk outside in the 17.3 degree weather to get there. It’s no wonder nobody goes to those games. Well, that can probably also be attributed to the team that plays there. But still, if a bunch of idiots with Lego’s can make this, the city of Buffalo has no excuse for this abomination.

C’mon now. We have modern architects. They get paid a lot of money to do what they do – and do it well. I mean, thousands of years ago, a bunch of Chinamen made a wall that to this day remains the most outstanding (and logically pointless) structure in the history of the world. It’s now the twenty-first century - and this is the best Buffalo can come up with?

Meanwhile Jerry Jones has 60,000 ft. big-screens, and the people of Buffalo are better off drawing pictures of footballs with crayons then sitting in the N-teenth row of Ralph Wilson and trying to depict whether or not Trent Backwards just threw an interception, got sacked, fumbled, or better yet, (Buffalo's form of the Lottery), all three!

This is probably the typical conversation between Buffalo Bill fans Saturday night before the big game.

Fan 1: “Hey, I got two tickets to tomorrow’s game. Want to go?

Fan 2: “Cool! I love the Bills!

Fan 1: “Me too!”

Fan 2: “Great. We’ll just park in that lot we always use.”

Fan 1: “Yeah.”

Fan 2: “Yeah.”

Fan 1: “Yeah. Let’s just not go.”

Fan 2: “Yeah, good idea. I just got a new video game system anyway.”

Fan 1: “Sounds cool. I’ll come join. On second thought, I’ll just stay in and listen to some music.”

5a. Their Baseball Team

But seriously though, if you want to watch baseball in Buffalo, this is the best you get. Womp.

5b. Their Basketball Team

No, really. Not a joke.


It sucks, because the Toronto Raptors are awful. And velociraptors are pretty badass - ever seen Jurassic Park? This should be a reason in and of itself - Buffalo ruins Velociraptors.


But I digress. It's technically not even part of Canada. Even though it is, really.

The actual sad reality? I just named two Canadian-based professional teams that the city of Buffalo has to prey off of when they want to two very popular sports in baseball and basketball.

For one, not only are there so many things wrong with that last sentence, but keep in mind that both of those teams absolutely suck ass. The Blue Jays haven’t been relevant in the sporting world since the early ‘90s, and haven’t won an AL East title in over 15 years.

The Raptors, meanwhile, were created in 1995, and have won one division title since then. One. Their best player? Chris Bosh, who will be oh so gone after the 2009-10 season wraps up.

Again, not only is feasting off Canadian professional teams an embarrassment in and of itself, when the two teams you steal from feature a combined record of 1,602-1,854, 10 above .500 finishes, six last place finishes and one division title since 1995, you should reconsider your allegiances. And consider moving. Which leads me to the third part of this reason…

5c. They only have two legitimate teams

Two. Think about it.

I’ve already been through both of them. No sense in beating an already very, very dead horse. That’s not the point.

Most major cities in the country have one team for each sport, meaning four total. Some states even have enough teams to comprise their own division (California).

Boston has four. Detroit has four. Denver has four. Atlanta has four. Philadelphia has four. For Christ’s sake, Phoenix has four. I’ve been to Phoenix – there’s nothing there. It’s essentially an erased city. Ever seen the movie Tremors? That’s basically based in Phoenix.

Congratulations Buffalo, you are worse than Phoenix, which, for all intents and purposes, is a softball infield with a few roads.

If you don’t have four – fine. Three is okay. Pittsburgh has three. Houston has three. St. Louis has three. Even Toronto has three. But two? Two?

Here’s a list of some of the cities with only two professional teams.

1. Seattle

2. Kansas City

And for the record, even Cleveland has three - depending on how you count the Browns. And I guess, if you want to get technical, Seattle has three as well – if you count the Sounders. But again, if the only thing separating your city from Seattle is an MLS franchise, you’ve got bigger problems.

4. October 7, 2008

Monday night, Prime Time, for everyone in the country to see.


And what does Buffalo do? Exactly what you would expect them to do. Choke: big-time.


With 3:46 left in the game, the Bills held an 11-point lead. And then, with 0:00 left in the game, they held a -1 point lead. Which, according to NFL rules, means you lose.

In less than four minutes, approximately the amount of time it takes you to eat a slice of pizza, dump it out, and eat another one, the Dallas Cowboys were able to kick a field goal, score a touchdown, recover an onside kick, kick a game-winning field goal and send Buffalo spiraling into a self-loathing vortex of mediocrity. 


What makes matters worse, is that Tony Romo had thrown six interceptions during that game prior to the comeback. Six. That man looked in no way, shape or form fit to lead an NFL offense anywhere except off the field. And then, the Buffalo Bills reminded everyone why they're the Buffalo Bills.


Hilarious.

3. The Buffa-Slug

Really? This is your logo?


Your team name is the Sabres – which, for all intents and purposes, is at least slightly intimidating. Sabres are normally used by pirates, which tend to be a little bit scary.

Instead, we have the Buffa-Slug-Sabre. Which was probably used by this guy.

Really though, the logo looks like it was drawn by a fourth grader. Or designed by the same company that designed this immortal piece of shit.

I expect better, even from you Buffalo. Better go back to the drawing-board, and reconsider some of those old logo ideas you had.


And let this logo be used the way it was intended to be used.

2. Ryan Miller

Not really him in particular, just the fact that they still suck even with him.

I mean, the Sabres have arguably the best goalie since Jesus Gretzky himself, and they still have nothing to show for it. Instead, the man nearly leads the United States to a historic gold medal over Canada, and comes back to an arena full of pissed off, freezing fans, who aren’t even sure what he accomplished because they don’t have TV yet in Buffalo.

It’s un-American, and I will not stand for it. Miller must be traded at once to a team that either wins, appreciate him, or isn’t named the Florida Panthers.

To be honest, if Miller played in any other arena – Boston, Colorado, a real New York city - you can bet your ass fifteen years down the road there would be an immense influx of children named either Ryan or Miller graduating from middle school, a large percentage of which were born nine months after the Olympics finished.

Why? Because that’s what we do for our heroes.

I’m Ian Tasso, and I approved this paragraph.

1. Scott Norwood

Alas, the staple child of failure.

If the Buffa-Slug is the appropriate logo for the Sabres, I suppose Norwood’s face would be the icon for the city of Buffalo.

If you’re not familiar with the string of events, in Super Bowl XXV, the Bills trailed the Giants by one – which, ironically, is a lot less than a field goal. With eight seconds remaining, the Bills attempted to kick that field goal, and as a result, win the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately, Scott Norwood shanked the hell out of it, sending it flying off to the right, taking with it Buffalo’s Super Bowl hopes.

But what’s worse is the aftermath: Scotty’s World Famous Shank gifted Buffalo their first of four consecutive Super Bowl losses. Four straight. If that’s not funny as shit, I don’t know what is.

Since then, however, you could argue things have gotten worse for the Bills, who have only qualified for the playoffs four times after their quartet of failures. According to Wikipedia, their decline can be classified as “industrial.”

Hah. Right. And Papi’s decline has been “painless and exciting.” For that matter, so is getting punched in the face.

Anyway, if you want a nice laugh, check out the video below. It’s a scene from, in it’s entire essence, a modern day “tragic comedy.” Or if you’re from Buffalo, “real life.” Or, if you’re a historian of the NFL, Super Bowl XXV.

Take a look for yourself:

I will say one thing though; for all of Buffalo’s failures – and they are many – there is at least one saving grace.

Those bastards do make some damn good wings. It’s a shame they can’t play sports half as well as they can cook wings - then at least they might be more like the sports city of San Diego; slightly mediocre, but yet still pretty awful.

Furthermore, if that were the case, and those two cities were to go head-to-head in a collision of mediocrity, I would certainly give Buffalo the edge in “Leading Sports Figure,” as Ryan Miller definitely trumps Phillip Rivers in that category, who is simply a colossal failure of a human being.

But sadly, they’re not San Diego. It’s actually a lot warmer there, which is nice.

Instead, they remain Buffalo – simply put; the ass pit of sports cities.

And Cleveland, before you get all excited, don’t. Because if Buffalo is the ass pit, that's only because you have already been crapped out and flushed away. And yes, LeBron is the dingle berries. Because he won’t ever go away, and I hate him.

Only he might finally leave after this year. Just needs a good wipe.