Locked and Loaded

by Ian Tasso

Editorial. Photos by AP News

And after five long months of awkward tension and dick measuring, the battle is back on. 

All winter, Yankee and Sox fans have been hurling shit at each other, some of it factual, most of it not; anything from Rex Ryan fat jokes all the way to ‘who’s your daddy’ chants.

But all that is finally over. Enough is enough. At last, the battle can now return to the base paths – where it belongs.

And both teams are ready, too.

Because while the fans have been spending the winter trying to decide what’s better, spending an absurd amount of money or only winning once in ten years while spending an absurd amount of money, both Boston and New York’s front offices were hard at work.

The Yankees, fresh off a World Series Championship, rather than sitting at home and shining their trophy went out and landed Curtis Granderson in exchange for top prospect Austin Jackson. And then, in what can only be described as a blackout-drunk Fantasy Baseball trade, swapped a 12-pack and a pair of shoes for NL strikeout runner-up, Javier Vazquez.

Meanwhile, after being eliminated in the first round of last year’s playoffs, the Red Sox took a long, hard look in the mirror, and decided it was time for some changes - big ones.

Enter John Lackey, Adrian Beltre, Mike Cameron and Marco Scutaro.

Yeah, I know. Those four names don’t exactly strike fear into your heart.

But it’s not just the players that have changed. You have to step back, and realize that everything about the Red Sox battle plans have changed – no longer will they go about war with the Bombers by fighting fire with fire. No, outslugging the Yankees proved to be a futile effort last season.

Instead, Boston will fight fire with water – which, if you think about it, makes a hell of a lot more sense than fighting it with fire. To be quite honest, I don’t even really understand that saying. But maybe that’s because I was raised on Pokemon.

It’s like this: if the dude you’re facing has a Charmander, why would you even think about using your Growlithe? Growlithe is a complete pussy compared to Charmander anyway. It makes no sense. Especially when you could just water gun his ass with Squirtle, who, though comparatively, looks like a bitch, in fact holds such an advantage it’s not even funny.

That’s what the Yankees are, though, at their core – a team full of Charmanders. A bunch of big, huge, scary and sometimes mustached (Giambi) Charmanders. And you know the Yankees are that kid who has a level 65 one before they even reach Mt. friggin’ Moon, just because they’ve ONLY been using Charmander all game. So what’s the solution? Jason Bay? Matt Holliday?

No. It may not look like a huge addition, but the right move is still Squirtle. Or, John Lackey, depending on how you look at it, or whether or not you’ve grown up (which clearly, I haven’t).

This is like fifth grade common sense here people: the Yankees have a terrific offense. What do we all know about baseball? That good pitching beats good hitting – every time.

So that’s exactly what Boston did – instead of going after another Jason Bay, they threw a Squirtle in the rotation, put a Poliwhirl at third base (seriously though, Beltre does kind of look like him), threw a Vaporeon in centerfield and hooked a Magikarp for shortstop. And yes, Scutaro is Magikarp because he sucks the most.

So there you have it – the 2010 Red Sox. Battle worn, Pokedex tested, and ready for action.

But that’s not all that’s changed about the Sox.

Not only have they brought in a bunch of new faces, but they’ve phased out a few old ones, and even switched some familiar ones around; moving Jacoby moved from center to left, Dice-K from the rotation to the bench, and Kevin Youkilis from wherever the hell Tito felt like that particular morning to first base.

But more importantly than just playing musical chairs with the lineup, the Red Sox have changed their entire identity - their face, and their whole attitude.

In years past, the Red Sox have been the loveable losers, featuring Johnny Damon’s flowing hair, Kevin Millar’s hilarity and Manny Ramirez’s stupidity as their forte. Two World Championships and a bit of a stale act later, and that’s all about to change.

No longer will the Red Sox be the league’s idiots. Now, headed by ferocious competitors like Josh Beckett and Dustin Pedroia, the Red Sox have undergone a complete makeover.

The years of being lead into battle by the infectiously happy and cuddly David Ortiz are over. Enter, Boston’s new hero: a grizzly, burly man who was most likely raised by bears. These kind of bears.

That’s right, the city’s new warrior hero is Kevin Youkilis - not some bitch who looks like Orlando Bloom from Lord of the Rings. This isn’t Hollywood. In this day and age, with this Red Sox team built the way it is, Youkilis is the only man fit to lead this troupe of dirt dogs – a man composed of 95% muscle and 5% facial hair.

No more Cowboy up. No more Manny waving a mini American flag. No - it’s Youk time. The page has officially turned.

Chapter 2010: Enter The Beard. Something tells me it’s going to read a little something like this book would.

Now with arguably the best defensive third, first and second basemen in all of the business – not to mention the best rotation, Boston has made one thing clear – they’re in it to win it this year.

They’re in it to win it, and they’re based on a few things – grit, desire and not-purple-lips. In an offseason full of questions and changes, one thing remains certain about this years’ Boston Red Sox squad – they will bring a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Dirt Dogs.’

Because over the years, Yankee-Sox battles have been the stuff of legends - Varitek vs. Rodriguez, Martinez vs. Zimmer, Boone vs. Wakefield, the Yankees vs. a 3-0 ALCS lead - each time they collide dwarfing the last, making the Revolutionary War look like a slap-fight between two 6-year old neighborhood fat kids.

And this year will undoubtedly add a few new chapters to the legacy.

So I guess the question is, New York: are you ready to get dirty?

SERIES PREDICTION: 

RED SOX take two of three. Suck it Jeter.